By: Hannah Kazemi, Staff Writer, Extremely Apologetic
Yet another classic cartoon is getting a makeover by the CW. This time, Sesame Street gets weird. Elmo becomes Emo in this reboot that never should have been. We apologize in advance for what you are about to read.
SESAME STREET
UPPER WEST SIDE OF NEW YORK CITY
Hundreds of apartments line the trash-filled New York street. CAMERA slow-zooms over the brick buildings, ultimately zooming in on EMO walking slowly on the sidewalk.
EMO (AGE 18) is seen slumping down the street. EMO is wearing headphones and holding an iPod in his hand, the music playing loud enough for the audience to hear. EMO only listens to My Chemical Romance when he’s sad. EMO has a long look on his face.
EMO (voiceover)
Emo is sad. Emo has been walking all day, looking for Emo’s girlfriend, Big Bird. Emo yelled at Big Bird yesterday because Big Bird called Emo a baby for taking dance lessons. Emo isn’t a baby, Emo just loves to tap dance! Big Bird can be petty, but Emo didn’t think Big Bird would ever leave Emo forever.
Ever since BIG BIRD went missing, EMO’s “tickle-me” function has failed and instead comes out as a depressed, fading cry.
EMO (voiceover)
Emo thinks it’s suspicious that Emo’s girlfriend Big Bird is missing. Emo should call for help.
EMO pulls out his iPhone and dials 1-2-3, the number for MR. SNUFFLEUPAGUS, FBI. This is a matter for the authorities.
EMO waits on the steps of his New York apartment building for MR. SNUFFLEUPAGUS, FBI to arrive. It takes 45 minutes. He stopped for coffee first.
SNUFFLEUPAGUS, FBI arrives to EMO’s apartment and brings detective COOK E. MONSTER with him.
SNUFFLEUPAGUS, FBI
(to EMO)
How can I service you— I mean, how can we be of service to you?
EMO
(to MR. SNUFFLEUPAGUS, FBI and COOK E. MONSTER)
Mr. Snuffleupagus, Emo’s friend Big Bird has gone missing. Emo keeps looking, but Big Bird hasn’t come back to his trash can yet. Emo thinks that green guy, Oscar the Grouch, is behind it. Oscar is always trying to lure Emo and Big Bird into his trash can when Emo and Big Bird walk by. Emo doesn’t like Oscar the Grouch. Emo gets the feeling he’s doing bad things in the neighourhood. Emo thinks Oscar is . . .
EMO looks around to make sure no one else is listening and leans in to whisper to MR. SNUFFLEUPAGUS, FBI and COOK E. MONSTER.
EMO
. . .a girlfriend stealing GROUCH!
SNUFFLEUPAGUS, FBI and COOK E. MONSTER all gasp. MR. SNUFFLEUPAGUS, FBI pulls out a notepad and immediately starts scribbling notes. None of it is legible because he doesn’t know how to read or write.
COOK E. MONSTER
(to MR. SNUFFLEUPAGUS, FBI)
Sir! This job should be left to a professional. We need to investigate. Let me take this one. Please, sir! I will not let you down. I am a good detective, sir.
MR. SNUFFLEUPAGUS, FBI
(to COOK E. MONSTER)
Alright, fine, take this one. Go interrogate that Oscar the Grouch character and search all of the trash cans. Leave no lid unturned.
COOK E. MONSTER runs around New York City in search of OSCAR THE GROUCH. He scours the streets and rips lids off of trash cans until sundown. COOK E. MONSTER is exceptionally naive and keeps mistaking green garbage bags for OSCAR THE GROUCH. He decides to go interrogate OSCAR THE GROUCH so he calls MR. SNUFFLEUPAGUS, FBI for backup. He brings EMO with him. But when they get to OSCAR THE GROUCH’s block, there’s no one in sight.
Suddenly, they hear a grumbling in one of the big trash bins and go to investigate. MR. SNUFFLEUPAGUS, FBI opens the lid and shines a flashlight inside.
OSCAR THE GROUCH and BIG BIRD are inside the trash bin . . . and each other.
EMO falls to his knees.
The sad, fading cry of EMO’s “tickle-me” function cries out into the night.
