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Confessionals: I look at episode summaries of shows I say I’ll watch

Humour
Peak Web
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ILLUSTRATION: Marissa Ouyang /The Peak

By: Showstopper

Dearly beloved, sinners, and worse, drivers in downtown Vancouver,

I come to this sacred space to confess another crime. It has taken me years to admit this about myself, but I think it’s always good to set examples of moral backbone to the younger generations. Alright, here goes nothing. I . . . look at Wikipedia summaries of shows I never intend to watch. That’s right, every single friend that asks, “Have you watched x or y?” I will confidently say yes and deliver the episode summary in full with not a single ounce of shame in my moralless backbone. 

Well, just as an example, I don’t really want to watch House of the Dragon because I’m too poor to afford another subscription service. But like, I have to admit there’s only so much you can talk about an uncle and a niece being into each other before you look up something. You get curious! And like, five seasons of Riverdale is too long! Why can’t I watch clip compilations instead and hour long videos of people talking about the show instead? Why can’t I also enjoy the epic highs and lows of high school football?!

The problem, I think, is some people believe I can’t enjoy any show I watch because I look up the critical emotional climaxes before I absorb them in the moment. What these people don’t understand about me is that my impulse control is about as long as my phone, which I’m using to look up an episode summary of Gray’s Anatomy right now. No emotional climax will ever be as gratifying as the knowledge of being right. There’s no such thing as skillful cinematography! No such thing as a satisfying experience! I don’t see it, so I don’t believe it!

I just want to say that I feel like people like me are persecuted when what I’m doing is well within the rights of personal speech. Sure, it’s also well in the realm of an ethical donut hole, but that doesn’t matter! If I feel like I should know something so I can look informed during brunch, why shouldn’t I indulge a little?

. . . So I have another little, tiny, teensy secret for you. It’s really surprising. I’m sure you’ll get it because you are all understanding and kind folks. I flip to the last page of a book to make sure it’s worth reading. Hehe, I guess you could say I live on the wild side.

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© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society