By: Finn Power, SFU Student
ARIES: Today you might find yourself feeling strong anger and boredom. It may be beneficial to consider taking up stress-relief activities like petty theft or joining a punk-rock band.
TAURUS: I can only imagine you’re reading this in the vain hope to feel less guilty about your terrible life decisions. Sorry to disappoint, but that’s all you; the stars aren’t touching your life with a 100 lightyear pole.
GEMINI: It is important that you continue oversharing your trauma on Twitter as today might be the day you finally break 50 likes. Someone may tell you they love you, but make sure to test their love by taking back your affection.
CANCER: You’re particularly needy this week, but remember, everyone else comes before you so just listen to Frank Ocean on repeat until it passes.
LEO: Begin writing your autobiography now. It doesn’t matter if you’re famous or not. You’re already screaming into the void by having your life dictated through a weekly horoscope.
VIRGO: Friends and loved ones are coming to you for life advice this week. Humble them by providing an exhaustive list of all their faults. Remember, the less constructive, the more likely they’ll continue to need you!
LIBRA: Cosmic horror abounds for you, dear Libra. All of the nearest heavenly bodies have collectively decided to conspire against you. Bunker down and body pad up, because their wrath is, quite literally, astronomical.
SCORPIO: Now is the time to withdraw all of your life savings and create your dream startup. Trust me, being a member of the bourgeoisie becomes all Scorpios; just look at Bill Gates or Marie Antoinette!
SAGITTARIUS: The stars want you to know nothing you do this week is significant in their eyes. They’ve watched the slow heat death of countless worlds, and find it laughable that mortal beings such as yourself think they care.
CAPRICORN: The cosmos really want you to stop asking them for life advice. Honestly, it’s kind of a given that you shouldn’t add to the 10 unread messages you’ve sent to that special someone.
AQUARIUS: Sorry, Aquarius, but to be blunt, not even all of the crystals in a rich baby witch’s room could ward off the bad vibes coming your way. Try getting ahead of this by self-sabotaging before cosmic karma catches up with you.
PISCES: The signs are in good order for you; clearly, someones been making eyes at the night sky. Continue courting the stars, because you won’t have any luck on Earth in the near future.