Recipes for disaster

These recipes are a piece of cake for students with a lot on their plates

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Coffee beans and ground coffee
PHOTO: Me Mu / Unsplash

By: N.T., Peak Associate and Carter Hemion, Humour Editor

Pocket Full of Sunshine

A simple snack for struggling students

By Carter Hemion, Humour Editor

Ingredients:

  • Debit card with no more than $7.04 
  • A balled up tissue
  • Pocket fuzz (at least three pieces)
  • A toonie

Instructions:

  1. Take your sad, drained debit card and place it on your lap. The less it’s worth, the better.
  2. Dig around for a tissue to squish on top. Don’t know if it’s clean? Just blow through this step.
  3. Gently add the fuzz from your pockets on top. You lint-erally can’t mess this up. 
  4. Balance the toonie on top, and . . . careful . . . just bear with me for this last step, queen. It’ll all make cents.
  5. Put your money where your mouth is and swallow the open-faced sandwich whole like a baby bird.

Lecture Picker-Upper

To be taken just before the longest lecture of the day

By N. T., Peak Associate 

Ingredients:

  • Free SFU coffee
  • 10 sugar packets
  • Your favourite TA
  • Your longest term papers

Instructions:

  1.  Collect a free SFU coffee (if you need help finding it, go to Convocation Mall) and 10 packs of sugar (often found next to the SFU coffee), for the added energy boost.
  2. Cook coffee and sugar over a Convocation Mall fire pit. Burn your papers and scatter the ashes over the fire pits. Make sure you do this at an off time so you do not monopolize the fire pits.
  3. While cooking, instruct your TA to read out the student numbers of those who failed the class. 
  4. Stir until a heavy black, then let all the liquid boil away until it becomes a powder.
  5. The powder can be eaten straight or spread over your favorite dessert for that extra boost.
  6. Better yet, give the powder to your TA so they never sleep and will be available to answer your 3:00 a.m. pre-midterm questions.

Forager’s Fireball

Drink up, buttercup!

By Carter Hemion, Humour Editor

Ingredients:

  • Waterproof boot
  • Large backpack
  • As many possibly-edible flowers as you can find
  • 17 shots of fireball cinnamon whiskey
  • Fresh grass (optional)

Instructions:

  1. Wear hefty shoes to the Burnaby campus. You’ll be out and a-boot for hours.
  2. Skip class to wander the trails with your backpack on, just like a lost snail. 
  3. Collect potentially pleasant, but possibly poisonous, plants in your bag. Don’t worry about over-harvesting; the conservation area is full of uncontrolled invasive weeds like stinky Bob, oxeye, and creeping crowfoot. Go looking and you’ll even get to blowballs.
  4. Once you have a few handfuls of plants, wander off the trail and have a seat. What you’re about to do is only public intoxication if you get caught and, at that point, there are more embarrassing things to worry about.
  5. Remove your boots and add some plants to each one. 
  6. Pour about 17 shots of fireball (or as much will fit) into each boot. 
  7. (Optional) Garnish with fresh grass.
  8. Drink up!