By: Gossip Peakie
Hey Burnaby Mountain dwellers. Gossip Peakie here, your one and only source for all the hot goss you’re trying to shove off the edge of this mountain. Did you really think one blog was enough to expose the skeletons in your closet? Please. Messy lives like yours deserve a weekly feature.
Before we move on, let’s take a moment to appreciate how bold you all have become, despite my first blog post. Secrets whispered on the sixth floor of the library, a ménage à trois in the avocado, and even digging in the water fountain basins for toonies. You’re broke and pathetic.
You can try to hide your tea. Please, really do. It’ll be super cute. But I’ve got eyes sharper than your psych class curve. Enjoy some public humiliation, besties.
Spotted: A first-year student walking around the AQ wearing a tinfoil hat, screaming: “I’M THE WI-FI SIGNAL NOW!” Loser students gathered around the student as if he were a messiah, believing that better Wi-Fi would solve their procrastination problem and Candy Crush addiction.
Word on the street? This wasn’t a breakdown. It was a breakthrough. The tinfoil hat was an in-class assessment done by a certain computer science professor, trying to prove that eduroam is part of a Marxist agenda attempting to take us back to the days of dial-up. Instead, he encourages students to emit their own aura to act as Wi-Fi. Trust him; he’s a comp sci prof.
Spotted: DKE frat bros fighting over who can get the most pledges for frosh week. Wait, we have a frat on campus? Who knew? Anyways, the day consisted of three very drunk DKE members walking around Maggie Benston, begging touring high schoolers to consider rushing. Isn’t frosh week in September? Yes. But these guys are desperate and long-term planners.
“I don’t know what’s happening, bro. We have like zero pledges. So everyone gets accepted, I guess,” commented one frat brother, according to my source.
Spoiler alert: they convinced no one. The day ended with a few punches being thrown while the custodian swept them away with the trash.
Spotted: A squirrel doing yoga next to the koi pond. Witnesses say that she did a seamless transition from a handstand scorpion to downward dog within a matter of seconds. Even while you dorks tried to snap some pics for BeReal, she remained grounded and focused. Who knows — maybe she’s a reincarnation of a past SFU student. If she’s found the way to live a peaceful life, y’all should pay for her MasterClass. Oh, what’s that? You want to know if you could pull off those moves, bestie? Be so for real. Maybe 10 years ago.
