By: Ana Arozarena, SFU Student
ARIES: I slid down Lil Nas X’s pole to hell to gather this advice: wear your sunscreen. All the smoking hot demons do it, and so should you! Even Satan (who’s currently going through a tough breakup) managed to agree, through a series of hiccuping sobs, that we should all care about preventing sun damage.
TAURUS: You will encounter an unreasonably fast slug this week. It will be hidden in the forest and will grant you all you desire. Find the message hidden in the iridescent slime, and read it aloud — unless you’ve gotten it confused with Gemini’s slug, in which case, don’t even think about reading it.
GEMINI: Take care of your mental health this week, Gemini, and become the mysterious forest entity you’ve always wanted to be. It may seem slimy, but taking time for yourself is key! Don’t be afraid to send some of those needy people in your life on a wild goose chase. Now you can sip your morning coffee in sweet, sweet silence.
CANCER: This week is all about emotions. That’s right. Go feel your feelings. Go use that student care insurance for at least three sessions with a burnt-out school counsellor before your coverage runs out. I’m rooting for you! Also, no, rewatching your favourite show on Netflix is not the same thing as therapy (no matter what that counsellor claims).
LEO: I’m not saying it’s true, but I heard from every one of your classmates that they’re tired of hearing about your succulent collection. They all thought that at precisely the same time, tearing the fabric of the universe. It gave me a splitting headache and my sewing skills aren’t what they used to be, so thanks for nothing.
VIRGO: I know you’re known for your honesty, Virgo, but please don’t tell Taurus about the slug thing. I already feel guilty enough as it is! Uh, if you don’t mention it, you will meet a tall, handsome stranger this week. Totally.
LIBRA: Love: 3/5. Health: 4/5. Lucky numbers: 7, 18, 43. Chances of being caught off guard by that old Sarah McLachlan commercial about dying animals and bursting into tears over your bucket of vegan cheese puffs: 5/5.
SCORPIO: Let’s face it, Scorpio. You’re too stubborn to take any advice. In addition, you’ve been acting pretty suspicious lately. ARE YOU EVEN WHO YOU SAY YOU ARE?! Phew. Got a little worked up there. Now that I think about it, I would take this as a sign to work on those trust issues.
SAGITTARIUS: If you’ve heard it before, no you haven’t. In fact, please destroy this document immediately. Cut it up into tiny strips, mix it with organic matter, feed it to a large family of ravenous worms, and then deliver what remains as a sacrifice to the compost bin run by aggressive raccoons over at West Mall.
CAPRICORN: Do you remember those Capri Sun juice pouches? Stabbing the flimsy straw through the plastic to reach that juicy Tropical Punch flavour and sucking it down as if it were the hot blood of your enemies? Claiming the crown and reigning over your army of goblin brethren? Ah, to be young.
AQUARIUS: Listen closely to the call of your heart, Aquarius. Or, let it go to voicemail. Better yet, block your heart’s number and find solace in the cold recesses of your brilliant and calculating brain. Nothing is more romantic than a candlelit evening with you, yourself, and the quiet but sexy Canvas app.
PISCES: Another day, another day. Followed by . . . another day. The landscape is desolate and nothing happens. Nobody comes, nobody goes. It’s awful. “Let’s go,” you might say. But we can’t. We’re waiting for Godot.
