Horoscopes May 6 – 12

Here’s what you should do to survive “everyone is in Europe but me” season

An illustration of a girl, stars and astrological signs strewn in her hair.
ILLUSTRATION: Marissa Ouyang / The Peak

By: C Icart, Humour Editor

March 21–April 19 

Just delete all your social media. You do not have the self-control to prevent yourself from typing, “must be nice spending your parents money insert face blowing a kiss emoji here” under an aesthetic Amsterdam pic posted by a girl you haven’t talked to since 2017. Quit while you’re ahead. #SocialMediaCleanseNow

April 20–May 20

You can be honest, it’s just us friends here. You’re not mad that the person who ghosted you all semester and still got the same mark as you on your group project is daily vlogging their backpacking trip. You’re mad because your best friend is in the vlogs with them. #CallTheBSOutSis

May 21–June 20

You did not take that SIAT elective for nothing. You are posting daily about living your Parisian fantasy from your East Van basement unit. #ProficientInPhotoshop

June 21–July 22

Plane tickets are expensive. Daydreaming is free. Writing fanfic is also free. Grab a notebook and a pen and finally write that story about how the Hannah Montana characters meet up with the Glee characters in Genovia and they all have to work together to help Remy create a recipe that will top his legendary ratatouille. #CrossoverOfTheCentury

July 23–August 22

Set your VPN to Monaco. It’ll feel the exact same as being there. Also, you keep rewatching the same shows and you need something new. Does this count as being a digital nomad? #StreamingSucks

August 23–September 22

Go to the liquor store and buy a wine from a country you’ve never been to before (which is most of them). But don’t drink it, pour it in your bathwater. There are approximately zero studies that prove that this does anything beneficial for you, but when anyone asks, you can just look back at them condescendingly and say: “It’s vinothérapie” (it’s not). #WineMomSkincare 

September 23–October 22

Go stand in the smoking area at your favourite local venue. Sure, tons of people have switched to vaping these days and the air smelling of fruit salad doesn’t quite give sitting on a patio in Berlin energy. But some people are still keeping old school and if you sit next to them and close your eyes, it’s almost like you can see the Victory Column. #BewareOfTheSecondhandSmoke

October 23–November 21

The stars are telling me to tell you to download Duolingo. I, personally, have never used it, but I have been subjected to social media videos of their mascot. If I understand correctly, it will haunt you if you do not log in everyday to practice your Swedish. That’s something you want because getting terrorized by a bird seems like something that would happen to you in Sweden (I have never been there). #IKEAIsAlsoAnOption

November 22–December 21

I know, I know . . . it’s not fair that your crush and their new lover have a YouTube channel dedicated to documenting their European vanlife adventure. How are they even doing that? Aren’t the roads too small? Anyways bestie you don’t even have a driver’s license. Go do that, mmmkay? #VroomVroom

December 22–January 19

Perogis. They will warm your heart, they will warm your soul, they can be found in the freezer aisle at the grocery store. When you get to the checkout after your grocery haul having paid pretty much the same price as a flight, it will complete your European fantasy. #BoycottLowblaws

January 20–February 18 

Just cry babes. It’s okay, let it out. If you’re wondering what you did wrong, maybe it was buying all the gear and supplies for four different new hobbies this year. Maybe it was not responding to that email a Nigerian prince sent you once. Either way, it’s your fault the only destination you’ll be hitting up this summer is Coquitlam Centre. #CryMeARiver

February 19–March 20

Have you heard of lying? When someone asks you if you’ve travelled recently, just tell them you were one of the military horses that escaped in London. Not one of the injured ones though, you have to keep it believable. #IWantToBreakFree

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