Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: April 5–11

ILLUSTRATION: Marissa Ouyang / The Peak

By: Gurleen Aujla, Peak Associate

ARIES: You’ve waited until the last minute to watch your lecture recordings and you’re furiously trying to learn about the difference between prosimians, monkeys, and apes at four times speed. Try throwing your laptop in the trash and head to Nesters Market to buy seven single bananas — one for every miserable day this week. 

TAURUS: You know your finance exam is coming up, yet the couch seems to have swallowed you. But don’t worry, you know yourself best. Slide down from the couch to the floor and have a movie marathon. Your feet will be on the floor during the exam, so you’re basically studying, anyway.

GEMINI: Finals are creeping up. You can still remember making what you took as awkward eye contact with your TA over Zoom as she talked about not cramming the night before. But she knows you wouldn’t do that. You cram the day of!

CANCER: You’ve got your Google Drive folders, chapter notes, and highlighters ready to tackle finals. To stay on track when distractions appear, try short study sessions throughout the day and you’ll feel uber-confident — until your professor puts the exam in the Discussions folder instead of Quizzes on Canvas. 

LEO: You’re reading this surrounded by an exhibit of take-out containers from your sushi, pizza, and burgers. You’ve been burning the midnight oil this week, but your efforts will pay off. Leave your dungeon and take the time to make a simple home-cooked meal tonight . . . maybe try a sushi burger?

VIRGO: It feels like you have a million tabs open, which might be true with the three screens you have going. Your paper is nowhere near done because you switched topics halfway through, but you’ve helped a close friend on their group presentation all while mentally planning for your new sticker business.

LIBRA: Your group presentation is tomorrow and you’ve spent the last 43 minutes designing the title slide. But, hey! At least you’ll have good aesthetics. Try setting a recurring 25-minute timer to get it done while cursing SFU’s pass/fail option to cover all your bases, personal and professional.

SCORPIO: You’re overwhelmed while juggling school, work, and family commitments. You feel like each day merges into the next and can’t decide whether to cry or laugh about it. Maybe switch from espresso to herbal tea and figure out what task you can scrap. Can you even fit in crying?

SAGITTARIUS: You’ve spent the last hour scouring blog posts for the best finals study tips, and yet your textbook is gathering a film of dust. Your mind keeps drifting off everywhere, even to planning your virtual birthday party. Please go to office hours. Your TA might help with decoration ideas!

CAPRICORN: You’ve been methodically preparing for finals since March. You’re beyond prepared for anything your professors can throw at you. This week, put your phone on “Do Not Disturb” and relax. Try not to think of the Rate My Professor reviews which say your professor is known for throwing curveballs on the exam . . .

AQUARIUS: You just finished your fourth Zoom call of the day and are absolutely exhausted. Rest assured, finals will end and you can have your personal freedom back. This includes the ability to lounge on the couch. You can scream into the couch pillow instead of your bed pillow for a nice change of pace.

PISCES: You have a strange urge to dye your bangs pink with all the stress from finals. Word of advice: watch the lecture recording first. You aren’t even sure if you watched or dreamed that you did. Second, look up some bleach fail videos. Then you can make a hair decision.