By: Kyla Dowling, Staff Writer
CW: Mentions of blood, mental health
The Midterm Season
An iced-coffee inspired cocktail that is basically a $9 Starbucks drink with pizazz AKA an illegal amount of caffeine
Ingredients:
- A handful of caffeine pills, crushed
- Two handfuls of Brain Boost, which I’m pretty sure is just legal Adderall, crushed
- A cup of oat milk, you healthy student <3
- Black coffee (but not from the SFU Dining Hall, I know you’re broke but that is Not Coffee)
- Whiskey. How much does your Canvas homepage tell you to put?
- Ice, but the tasty cubed ice because you’ve earned it for reading two pages
Directions:
- Put the crushed caffeine pills, crushed Brain Boost, oat milk, coffee, whiskey, and ice in a blender.
- Blend for 30 seconds while fervently repeating mnemonic devices to yourself.
- Pour into a cute Starbucks cup, so when you log into Zoom for that midterm you’ll have something aesthetically pleasing to distract from your eyebags and tears.
- Consume. Congratulations. Is your heart rate just that high or can you smell the other people in your Zoom call from here?
The SFU Health & Counselling
A play on the classically disgusting Bloody Mary, this drink is sure to leave a bitter taste
Ingredients:
- A cup of nap drool from your desk after another lecture on classical conditioning
- Copious amounts of vodka to cope with the waiting time to get an appointment
- Three cups of the blood I hacked up in the residence sink when I had pneumonia and SFU Health & Counselling had no available appointment slots for me
- ½ of a Naked smoothie to make like Marina and get some Froot
Directions:
- Rim your glass with your spit. This will give you a nice taste of salt, similar to the internal saltiness you feel when going to Health & Counselling.
- Put the blood, smoothie, and vodka into a blender. Note: it will not be hard to find the blood as I did not get the chance to clean it up, given that I nearly passed out and had to go to the hospital.
- Dissociate as you blend it. Has it been three minutes or three hours? SFU doesn’t really care, so why should you!
- Drink while on hold with Health & Counselling as they offer you an appointment for October 17, 2023.
The Student Athlete
You might be chasing the prize, but you’ll need a chase for this strong cocktail.
Ingredients:
- Six cups of protein powder
- Creatine, whatever the fuck that is
- EIGHT CUPS OF WATER. REFUEL. RECHARGE. GLUG GLUG
- This is a cocktail, so there has to be alcohol, so add 2oz of rum. But be careful bro, I heard from Hunter that we’re gonna get drug-tested on Tuesday and you don’t wanna be put on second string, bro
- A raw egg, because that’s good for you, apparently
- A red backpack. No, it’s not going to be in the drink, but are you really a student athlete if you don’t obnoxiously have it hanging visibly in your Zoom background?
Directions:
- Grind that creatine just like you rise and grind every day.
- Mix the creatine and protein powder into the water.
- Mix the egg and the rum separately. No whisk, no reward.
- Combine the two mixtures, just like how you combine your cardio and your weight-training in practice.
- Put on the red backpack. Look in the mirror and repeat: “I am a beast. I stay hustling. ‘You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. -Wayne Gretzky. -Michael Scott. -Andrew Petter.’”
- Chug 10 minutes before The Big Game.
The 95 B-Line
The only reason we get blackout drunk anyway is to forget it’s called the R5 now, so . . .
Ingredients:
- Mint leaves, to replicate the smell of the people vaping at the bus stop
- A full bottle of rosé. Remember pregaming on the bus before going to Fortune? Wow, that made me sad to write . . .
- A shot of gasoline. You’re not riding the 95 B-Line. You are the 95 B-Line
Directions:
- Put on your favourite outfit.
- Put in your headphones.
- Take the 95 B-Line with no direction or end in mind.
- Begin taking careful yet dramatic sips out of your flask.
- Press your head against the window as the rain drips down it.
- Gaze longingly and mysteriously out at the night sky.
- Catch the eye of the entrancing stranger sitting across from you. Romanticize them. Create a life together in your head in which you get married, adopt dogs together, and they make you breakfast in a sunlit kitchen on a Sunday morning.
- “And I need you, and I miss you . . .”
The EDI
Equity, Diversity, and Inclusion who?
Ingredients:
- “E” is for egg whites, a cocktail ingredient about as appealing as going to an SFU Senate meeting
- “D” is for dark rum. Remember to include at least six shots of it. Yeah, you’ll be hungover, but it won’t be as bad as the headaches you get from receiving yet another EDI email
- “I” is for Irish cream liqueur, which is actually what SFU administration has in their coffee every morning! Our tuition has to go somewhere . . .
Directions:
- As you stir in the egg whites, chant: “We are an open, inclusive university whose foundation is intellectual and academic freedom.”
- When mixing in the dark rum, whisper: “Our scholarship unites teaching and research: we celebrate discovery, diversity, and dialogue.”
- Finally, when adding the Irish cream liqueur, howl to the moon: “We are a university where risks can be taken and bold initiatives embraced.”
- Maybe then you’ll believe those things are true.
- Keep drinking. It’ll happen if you just keep drinking.
