By: Petra Chase, Peak Associate
Recession indicators are all the rage. We took a Buzzfeed “What recession indicator are you?” quiz, and apparently, we’re Lady Gaga (ra-ra-ra-rad!). Lipstick sales, Mariah Carey going grocery shopping, and flash mobs are also on the list.
The Peak contacted an SFU economics professor to speak on this phenomenon, to which they responded, “You can request a statement through Cameo for $10. I also do birthdays. You can pre-book me for Christmas carols,” — to which we responded, “Recession indicator!”
Here are five more gentle reminders our economy is nearing collapse.
Decline in oat beverage sales
Milk Statistics Canada reported that oat “myllke” sales are in decline. Sorry, for legal reasons, we can’t use the word “milk” (AKA the dairy industry will sue). Even bisexuals are ordering it less (yeah, Milk Statistics Canada is thorough about demographic data). Do you know what it means when bisexuals are sacrificing their daily oat m**k lattes during Pride month? Things are BAD.
Labubus
With their mischievous grins and versatile eyes (open, closed, and winking), Labubus are the collectible plushies everyone wants hung from their Stanley cup. An article called “Labubu Dolls, Economy Falls: A Symbiotic Analysis” in the Journal of Radical Marxism explains that collecting dolls and trinkets during tough times signifies a longing to return to childhood. Also, in season five episode 83 of the workplace sitcom The Office, business-minded assistant to the regional manager Dwight Schrute bought the town’s stock of Princess Unicorn dolls and sold them to desperate parents to make a profit. 15 years later, Schrute’s resourcefulness continues to inspire side-hustling Marketplace Labubu resellers who are making bank. And who can blame them in this economy?
Increase in three kids stacked on top of each other in trench coats
Investigative journalists at The Peak have concluded there’s been an increase in parents stacking three small children on top of each other, draping them in a trench coat, and plopping them into corporate jobs so they can get an early pension. Many of these kids have gone undetected, even in leadership roles, due to the rise of anti-intellectualism and the smartest kid being strategically placed on top. While it’s unclear how many are currently disguised as grifters, we’re also investigating under one Jordan Peterson’s trenchcoat after the personality was flummoxed during a Jubilee debate. He asked his opponent to clarify what conjunctions and interrogative words mean, leading some experts to propose he is actually a six-year-old on another six-year-old’s shoulders.
Hobbyhorsing is a thing
Remember when horseback riding was affordable? JK, it’s always been a rich people sport, BUT you know things are bad when even upper-income equitarian enthusiasts (AKA horse girls) from Philadelphia are resorting to galloping through obstacle courses on wooden toy horses. Apparently the sport originated when a child asked their mom for horseback lessons and was told, “We have horses at home.” Though hobbyhorsing has been around since the early 2000s, said Philadelphians organized the first school competition last month, showing that it’s gaining popularity.
Everyone’s watching or rewatching Lost
Aren’t we all a little bit lost during an economic recession? Comparing egg prices in the supermarket, tattooing our toenails. It’s no wonder we’d want to get lost in six seasons of Lost, the hauntological action mystery that revolutionized the early 2000s. The show explores questions of destiny versus free will through the morally complicated survivors of a plane crash as they unlock the mysteries of an island and a curious number sequence. During an economic recession, the fluctuating prices are also confusing numbers that make us question faith and science, so we can relate.
