HUMOUR: The Peak’s guide to camping

Photo courtesy of Al_HikesAZ (Flickr)

It’s that time of year again: the season made for exploring the great outdoors and going camping. (At least that’s what Canadian Tire commercials have taught us. No one currently employed at The Peak has ever actually been camping.) If you’re one known for not thinking for yourself and need help from a guide written by some hack, you’re in the right place; allow me to introduce you to The Peak’s guide to camping.

Fire: The first step to any successful camping trip is a big roaring fire. Lucky for you, British Columbia’s currently experiencing a severe drought and most things will catch fire with little to no effort. To be safe though, pour some gasoline over the area you intend to light. As for types of firewood, nothing screams old-fashioned like going out and chopping down your own tree — really, though, the ground around you will light easily enough.

Clothing: So at this point, you’ve probably started a forest fire. If you  really want to rough it out, you’re going to need to wear something fire-proof. Some sort of fire-proof suit; and considering you’ve gone this far in making bad decisions, why not make it asbestos?

Food: If you’re a normal human being, you would bring some hot dogs, marshmallows, maybe some potato salad, and that would be good enough. But if you’re in the mood for something extra special, try hunting for your food (assuming you haven’t scared away all the wildlife with the forest fire). See a bear? Yeah, go take it down. If you need to, maybe bring a stick or some kind of blunt object, but this is a job best done with your bare hands. Bear carcass will taste fantastic after just a few minutes of cooking on the forest fire.

Funeral arrangements: Truth be told, I don’t think you’re cut out for the camping life; you’re starting forest fires, hanging around afterwards to make a light snack, and even fighting bears with your bare hands. Chances are slim you’ll make it out of camping alive, so it’s best to prepare beforehand. Take care of funeral arrangements and find a life insurance policy that doesn’t discriminate against self-immolation, or fighting bears, or following the advice of poorly-written camping guides. Whatever you do, don’t leave the burdens on your loved ones — though, knowing you, you probably will.

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