Stephen Harper stops by the Attawapiskat reservation for lunch free of ulterior motives
By Gary Lim
OTTAWA — Intrigue and the delicious scent of seven secret herbs and spices were in the air when prime minister Stephen Harper suddenly and unexpectedly arrived at the home of activist Theresa Spence with a bucket of fried chicken.
According to eye-witnesses, the prime minister arrived at the Attawapiskat reservation at approximately 3 pm in a taxi-cab lacking the usual pomp and circumstance. The leader of the Conservative party then signaled to the driver to pop open the trunk, where he pulled out a lawn chair and picnic basket. He settled down at the front stoop of Spence’s home, where he sat down and began enjoying his lunch of a family-sized bucket of fried chicken with all the fixings.”
The Peak was able to sitdown with the Mr. Harper, who was loudly asking for dining companions, stating that there was “plenty for everyone, and then some”. “Look, I don’t know what everyone is so anxious about. I may be the prime minister, but even I have to eat, and you can only take so many meals in the Parliamentary Cafeteria before you get sick of Casserole Wednesdays. So I decided to take my lunch outside today, what’s the big deal?”
When asked why he’d chosen the Attawapiskat reservation as his choice of dining spot, given the current political upheaval between the First Nations and the government of Canada, he responded, “Oh, shoot is that where I am? What a coincidence, my favorite fried chicken joint is just around the corner, and I figured that sitting in front of this random house would be as fine a place as any for me to get my grub on. And what a meal it is,” continued Harper, switching to a voice several octaves louder.
“Succulent crispy fried chicken, with a side of fluffy, airy mashed sweet potatoes and crisp green beans just like mom used to make. But careful now, it’s piping hot. Here, let me help you cool that down.” shouted Harper, carefully angling a fan to carry the wafting aromas into an open window of Spence’s home.
Spence, who has been under a self-imposed hunger strike of fish broth and medicinal teas as a sympathy ploy for the Idle No More protests, was unable to comment, as she was in one of her seven or eight daily hunger-induced black outs. As of press-time, prime minister Harper was attempting to shove a pecan pie into the mail slot of Attawapiskat residence.