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Trudeau’s new beard “full of secrets,” sources said last Wednesday

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Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor

As Prime Minister Justin Trudeau dons a scruffy new look for the new year, sources close to him have suggested that his new facial hair may have an ulterior motive. 

“He’s totally rich because his dad Pierre was also Prime Minister,” explained Damian Lee, a former close family friend of the Trudeaus. “But really the thing about Justin Trudeau is that he has everybody’s business. He knows everything about everyone. That’s why his stubble’s so cute — it’s full of secrets.”

According to Lee, Trudeau’s choice to grow out the beard was actually a recommendation from the Canadian Security Intelligence Service (CSIS). After the SNC-Lavalin scandal and especially Trudeau’s past with blackface was leaked to the public, the Prime Minister’s entire baby face was termed a security risk to the confidentiality of national intelligence. 

Ultimately, facial hair was the security solution offered by CSIS director David Vigneault. The director had recently spent his Christmas holidays marathoning Mean Girls and even Mean Girls 2 at home with his family.

“The next thing to change would be his hairdo,” Vigneualt told The Peak. “Not because of national security, but just because his hair looks sexy pushed back. Peak, will you please report that his hair looks sexy pushed back?”

Even Lee could not say which national secrets exactly were producing the rugged “daddy” look that BBC, Global News, and CBC among others have been obsessing over. 

“But just imagine if we did,” he gushed. “I bet Justin could tell the world which cast romances on The CW’s shows are real and which ones are just for PR.”

The revelation comes only a few weeks after Trudeau was branded the “Regina George of NATO” by credible news sources. Now that he’s also taken after Gretchen Wieners, Trudeau’s devotion to plastics is as clear and potentially environmentally destructive as his stance on the Kinder Morgan pipeline.

SEE MORE: “Liberals hide Kinder Morgan pipeline under pile of gathered autumn leaves”

Trudeau declined to comment on Lee’s allegations. He was too busy standing in the rain, bouncing his pecs and announcing that there was a 30% chance that it was, in fact, already raining.

DEAR PEAKIE: SFU’s latest and greatest advice column

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Chris Ho

Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor

All questions submitted by SFU students!

—

Dear Peakie,

Despite feeling lonely, I have an independent streak that drives me away from most relationships. But it sounds nice to be in one, and I feel like this is the time in my life to experiment with these things, so how do I get out of my comfort zone?

Thanks,

(Not) Hopelessly in Love.

Hi (Not) Hopelessly in Love,

I think you’re trying to join a cult. They love people who have been driven away from all their other relationships; they sound nice to be in; and they might experiment on you a little once you’ve spent enough time with them, if you’re feeling a little adventurous. You will certainly be out of your comfort zone once you’ve been cut off from all your previous friends and family and been manipulated into donating away your savings. 

However, I would really strongly urge you against this course of action, (Not) Hopelessly in Love. “Clingy” is just not you want out of a first relationship. I think you need to do some soul-searching to make sure that you are not, in fact, pining after a cult, and then you can come back for love advice next week, when you have healthier priorities. 

Love, Peakie

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Dear Peakie,

How do I stop eating every donut I see on sight even though I’m totally allergic to gluten and know I will suffer later?

Sincerely, 

MC.

Hi MC,

Simply gouge your own eyes out. You can’t eat every doughnut you see if you can’t actually see. You won’t suffer later because the suffering will happen now. And your gluten-allergic self will never look at you judgingly through a mirror again. It’s your destiny: Oedipus Rex walked so that you could run. 

Love, Peakie

—

Dear Peakie,

Like most university students, I’m a $9 wine bottle kind of gal. Ask the regular closing manager of the Cornerstone liquor store — he knows. However I got kind of trashed at a New Year’s Eve party and accidentally drank wine from a pretty boy’s $12 wine bottle. It was basically the nectar of the gods, undeniably out-of-this-world delicious . . . but instead of burning through my mortal flesh, I’m afraid that this high-priced wine is going to burn through my wallet. That being said, I can’t stop thinking about it. How do I curtail this new thirst that is out of my budget?

Sincerely,

Already Busted My Semester Budget

Hi, Already Busted My Semester Budget,

I know exactly why this happened: when you live in Vancouver, you don’t talk to pretty boys until you make at least $80,000 a year. You just don’t. But, thoughtless and penniless, you did. Now, like a tragic Greek hero, you’re paying up on your hubris. 

Normally I would ask if you had considered just not being poor. But if you’re choosing to ask for advice from an underfunded and affectionately incompetent student newspaper, then clearly the proletarian psychology is too deeply bred into your bones for you to express any form of self-worth. 

So, my advice to you is to bring your next $12 wine bottle to a party for a game of Truth or Dare. Inevitably you’ll be asked to do something disgusting, like drink your alcohol through the fabric of your crush’s dirty Nike sock. Then you’ll be too grossed out by wine and boys to spend any money on them. It’s what they, and you, deserve.

Love, Peakie

Got any life questions you think Peakie might be able to solve for you? Send your conundrums to [email protected].

SFU PARODY POEMS: “Shall I Compare Thee to a Cloudy Day?”

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Written by Ben McGuinness, Peak Associate

Shall I compare thee to a cloudy day?

Thou art more dreary and more concrete:

Rough weather does slow the bus to the bay,

And its capacity is short of seats;

Sometime too long the staircases are to climb,

And often the long readings we do skim;

And every career fair seems to decline,

The chance, for students taking courses, slim;

But thy operating costs shall be paid,

Nor lose possession of the debts we ow’st;

Co-ops and TA-ships art available in spades,

When steady employment we need’st most:

     So long as they can read, or pay their fees,

     So long lives this, the student’s reality.

 

Adapted from “Sonnet 18,” William Shakespeare

Look beyond the memes and revel in Marriage Story’s vulnerability, craft, and fragmented joy

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Arts
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Photo: Wilson Webb / Netflix

By Kate Olivares, Peak Associate

Noah Baumbach’s Marriage Story is joining the ranks of Roma and Mudbound as Netflix’s newest awards contender. The premise is simple: Nicole (Scarlett Johansson) and Charlie (Adam Driver) have fallen out of love and have decided to separate. Both characters navigate this process while living in different cities, caring after their son, and trying to keep their family together. As the movie progresses, the realities of a divorce’s legal process and the intimacies of their relationships begin to unravel.

This movie’s magic comes from the relationship between Baumbach and his actors. He often writes roles with specific actors in mind, and Baumbach has shared that Adam Driver was the screenplay’s muse. Also, the supporting cast, including Laura Dern and Ray Liotta, is superb. But of course, the crown jewels are the film’s two leads. Seeing Charlie desperately try to keep his relationship with his son and his professional life afloat allows Driver to show a blinding vulnerability I haven’t seen in his previous work. Johansson as Nicole is fun-loving yet overwhelmed with her situation, a limbo allowing her to breathe life into the story. They spend most of the movie apart, and the audience really gets a chance to understand what Charlie and Nicole are going through, and what leads them to do what they do. 

Since we watch these characters spend so much time apart, the performances are incredibly subtle. The emotion lingers in empty space — the words unsaid, the tears held back. This restraint allows the one fight scene — yes, that fight scene — to maximize its emotional significance. This is a splashy fight scene where everything explodes, which you might recognize from the many memes that have surfaced online. But really it is there to illuminate Driver and Johansson’s gravitas. There is yelling, wall-punching, crying — all the ingredients needed for the internet’s mocking classification as a transparent, grade-A Oscar clip. However. When this scene is properly placed in the context of the understated film, it’s truly powerful and heartbreaking. When you look beyond the (very funny) memes, this scene is one hundred percent earned. 

The first two acts of the movie play the tightrope act of showing both characters compassionately and evenly. The movie doesn’t take sides. You understand each character deeply, which makes watching the divorce all the more painful. However, this compassion for both characters fades away near the end of the narrative. As the movie wraps up, the story slowly but surely becomes Charlie’s story. About Charlie’s loss, his pain, his slow acceptance of his fate. The last act spends most of its time following his character, and gives him two scenes of heart-wrenching emotional catharsis. This was a disappointment. Since the movie really made me fall in love with both characters, it was a shame to see Nicole somewhat fade to the background. 

As a whole, I really recommend this film. Even if you have to emotionally prepare to watch helplessly as a loving marriage unravels before you, it will be worth it.

SFU students host employability skills workshop series

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By: Gurpreet Kambo, News Editor

“I believe education is a basic human right and should be free for everyone,” said Samad Raza, founder and director of Emerge SFU. Emerge SFU is a new group of students at SFU who are looking to give back to the community by holding a series of free workshops on employability skills for SFU students.

“Emerge strives to instill valuable industry skills in SFU students through a series of workshops over the course of four weeks, starting in January. These workshops will be open to SFU students from any faculty, giving them the opportunity to learn skills they might not typically be exposed to in their program,” explained Raza.

The first series will be an introduction to the field of digital design skills, in particular User Interface (UI/UX) design. 

“Our main goal is to give students the opportunity to build high-demand skills that they may not typically be exposed to during their program. By providing a free, easy-to-access program on campus that provides engaging workshops to teach these skills, we hope to improve their toolbox of employable skills and guide them into a career path they are passionate about,” added Raza. 

On how this idea came about, Raza said that “Many of my friends in communications and arts were having difficulties landing co-op jobs due to lack of tech skills and they asked me to help them learn some graphic design and social media marketing skills. So I did some research and found that many students are facing similar problems. That’s why I decided to start a workshop series program to help all SFU students learn new skills and have a successful Career.”

The first workshop series takes place on Thursdays from 5:30 — 7 p.m. at SFU Surrey campus. Additionally, the first session is on January 16, and takes place over four weeks. No experience is necessary, and at the end of the series, participants will have a digital design portfolio of their own, and a foundation of digital design skills to build upon.

Raza added, “We certainly plan to expand our program and help even more students. I dream of opening this program to all students, not just those from SFU.”

Registration opens on January 4. Visit Emerge SFU’s Facebook page after January 4 for details on how to register. https://www.facebook.com/EmergeSFU/

 

SFSS Council condemns SFSS Board of Directors decision to not house Rotunda groups in SUB

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The SFSS 2020 Elections debate was held on Wednesday March 18

By: Jess Dela Cruz, News Writer

On December 4, the Simon Fraser Student Society (SFSS) Council passed a motion 26–6, condemning the SFSS Board of Directors’ decision to not house Rotunda groups in the new Student Union Building (SUB). 

SFSS Council, which consists of representatives from Departmental Student Union (DSU), released an open letter to the SFSS Board of Directors on December 11. This clarified their support of the Rotunda groups following the Board’s defeat of a motion to turn some bookable spaces into organizational suites for Rotunda groups. The motion, brought forth by HoSang, was defeated 7–5.

The letter states: “Council firmly believes that the Board is not accurately acting in the best interests of students by denying these groups space, and, by doing so, is directly violating their own constitution.

“The Board is using Student Unions and clubs as a wedge between the Rotunda groups and their secure, permanent space in the SUB [ . . . ] Council does not consent to being used as pawns by the Board in conversations regarding space in the SUB at the detriment of these organizations that are important parts of our community.” 

Concluding the letter, the SFSS Council states that “If [ . . . ] the Board does not respond to this letter by December 14, 2019 in a way that makes a clear effort to take Council’s concerns into consideration, then Council, at its next meeting, will consider putting the matter to referendum for Spring 2020.”

Two days later on December 13, SFSS President Giovanni HoSang addressed a letter to the Council stating that the Board had held “preliminary discussions” on the issue. HoSang explains in the letter that due to exam conflicts, many Board members were unavailable to attend these discussions. 

The letter promises that the Board will discuss the matter at the next Board meeting in early January and will send a complete response after. 

In response to the SFSS’s shared space model, where DSUs and clubs are allocated space in the SUB on a semesterly basis, students have started a Save Our Spaces campaign. Primarily active on Facebook, their page describes the campaign as “a coalition of SFU students and clubs to challenge the SFSS members’ vote that will displace the Rotunda groups — a tight knit community of change makers.” In the comment section of a Save Our Spaces Facebook post, HoSang, concerned students, and Environmental Representative Julian Loutsik discussed the decision. 

Gabe Liosis, Council Representative for the Political Science Student Union and Council Liaison to the Board, discussed his involvement with the Save Our Spaces campaign in an email interview with The Peak.

“I strongly believe that the Board is presently not representing the interests of the student-body. We needed a bold, radical, and united front to push back against this decision, and to amplify the voices that the Board is currently suppressing.”

Liosis continued, “Council is making it clear that DSUs no longer want the Board to use DSU/club space prioritization as justification for their decision, as DSUs do not want their space in the SUB to come at the expense of the Rotunda groups.”

 The SFU Disability and Neurodiversity Alliance and the World Literature Student Union have also released statements and open letters in solidarity of the condemnation. 

According to SFSS bylaws, the Council can bring forward a referendum question for the upcoming Spring 2020 SFSS elections with a majority vote of the council.  

 

Beat the rainy day blues with a hot bowl of soup from Pho 99

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Arts
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Photo: Sara Wong / The Peak

By Sara Wong, SFU Student

 

There is nothing better on a cold, misty day than a hot bowl of noodle soup — at least in my opinion. Since there are a lot of rainy days on Burnaby Mountain, Pho 99 is definitely a restaurant I will be coming back to.

When I walked in at around 11:15 am, the restaurant was empty, save for one other customer. My friend and I picked a booth by the window, which gave us plenty of room to lay down our jackets and backpacks. Service was quick and our food arrived in what felt like no time. The restaurant was a bit drafty, but once the food arrived I warmed up considerably. 

I ordered my go-to pho dish: a small beef ball noodle soup. What I liked most about it was the broth. I appreciated how clear the broth was. Often times, pho broth is too oily or heavily laden with MSG, which makes the dish taste too salty. Neither was the case at Pho 99. The noodles were thinner than I expected, but still good. Unfortunately, some of the beef balls were hard to chew, and I wasn’t a fan of the red onions floating around. They did not overpower the dish like I worried they would, but they still felt out of place. The accompanying bean sprouts, jalapeño peppers, and Thai basil did not taste the freshest, but they added the flavour and texture contrast I desired.

To sum up everything I said about the pho dish, it wasn’t the best I’ve had, but it definitely wasn’t the worst. Given its price point ($8), I was satisfied with what I got. I’m interested in seeing if their other dishes (i.e. not pho) taste any better. Besides noodle soup, Pho 99 offers appetizers such as spring and salad rolls, along with vermicelli and rice plates. Their drink menu also looks promising; get your caffeine fix with a Vietnamese coffee (hot or iced) or order a fruit smoothie if you’re looking for something refreshing. Also, for all the vegetarians out there, you’re in luck! Pho 99 serves a vegetable-only pho as well.

For my first time visiting Pho 99 on Burnaby Campus, I would rate it a solid 3/5 stars. Going in, I was not expecting much, given that it was a chain restaurant and the ingredients in pho are relatively cheap. Perhaps because of my low expectations, I was pleasantly surprised. All in all, I enjoyed my experience.

Students still can’t name their Fall 2019 classes, know only the course numbers

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Humour
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Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor

Though the Spring 2020 semester has just started, most of SFU’s student body reportedly cannot name their courses from last semester when asked. 

Students all over SFU’s three campuses engaged this morning in their first round of empty first-day-back small talk of the new decade. Witnesses report that whenever a student was asked what courses they had taken in the fall, they could only offer the course numbers. 

“nobody has ever taken enough interest in an SFU student to actually ask for details about what they study.”

According to Jared Allen, second-year English student, one reason students may have trouble learning course names is that those names are often irrelevant to the course content.

“Apparently, ENGL 104 is called Introduction to Prose Genres,” he said. “But I still don’t know what a prose genre is. All we looked at were weird Russian paintings from the 20th century. I got a B+ and I didn’t even know how to read.”

Other students cited a simple lack of need: allegedly, until recently, nobody has ever taken enough interest in an SFU student to actually ask for details about what they study.

“I’ve always just gotten by on the course number,” shrugged Katie Sai, a third-year. “A date did once ask me the name of CMPT 371. Nearly flubbed it too. But I just told him that he wasn’t a computing science student, so it wasn’t like he could ever really get what I do, anyway.”

Still, others have argued that the SFU administration is not only fully aware of the culture around course names and numbers, but also actively encourages it. 

“They’re trying to brainwash us, to destroy our identities, by making us talk in numbers over and over,” stressed Molly Diggler, a fourth-year philosophy student. “They’re going to give us assignments, march us around under the light of the full moon, and stop us from ever spreading our wings.” 

However, the student may have actually been describing the plot of the first book from Guardians of Ga’Hoole, an early-2000s children’s novel series about talking owls. 

Reportedly, Allen still doesn’t know how to read. 

The Peak has yet to interview a student who knows their tutorial number. 

“Go.re.miSFU”: SFU opts for invasive singing telegrams over grade email notifications

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Written by Madeleine Chan, Staff Writer

Students at SFU will get notified about their final grades in a melodic way at the end of this semester. The university has employed a fleet of five human singing telegrams to inform the 30,000+ population of students of their failures.

The change comes after reports from students that the previous goSFU email notifications were “too advanced” and would “ruin their holidays” because of their direct and gut-punching arrivals. Starting at the end of the Spring 2020 semester, the new system, go.re.miSFU, will send students hired “go.re.mi-ers” to punch them in the gut and then tell them their grade through song. 

A trial run of go.re.miSFU was executed during the Fall 2019 semester. Nita Aye, an SFU student, calls it an “interesting” experience.

“I was studying on the sixth floor of the library,” Aye recounts. “I felt a small tap on my shoulder. I turned in my chair and felt a swift strike to my stomach. Most would think that it would hurt. It did. But the pain was . . . invigorating. So was the spontaneous cover of Lizzo’s “Good as Hell,” followed by the announcement of my A+ grade in EASC 103: The Rise and Fall of the Dinosaurs.

“I proceeded to study for another eight hours off of the sheer adrenaline.”

Not every go.re.miSFU story ends happily, though. Fred Effez, another student targeted for the trial, tells a different story.

“Christmas dinner was interrupted by a tall man in one of those spandex green-man suits, except it was red and said ‘PROPERTY OF SFU’,” says Effez. “He came right into the dining room, smacked me in the stomach, and started yelling ‘BEE-PEE-KAY ONE-FOURTY, CONTEMPORARY HEALTH ISSUES, F’ over and over again for about five minutes before starting the song.”

Effez was ultimately serenaded to the tune of Lizzo’s “Truth Hurts.”

“I distinctly remember him rapping in my face, ‘You just took a BPK test, turns out you’re 100% worthless’ as my grandmother watched in wide-eyed horror.”

In spite of student complaints like these, Dr. Harry Bauld, an SFU professor involved with developing go.re.miSFU, still considers the switch to be highly necessary.

“This new system will not only be good for students, but for us teachers as well,” says Bauld.  “We really need to punctuate the fact that students’ lives are always in our hands, and there’s no better way to do that than through embarrassing song. They need to understand that the smallest percentile change could mean the difference between them working at a Banana Republic or a Banana Republic Outlet for the rest of their lives.”

Watch out for your upcoming go.re.mi-ers at this semester’s end. Remember, failures: brace for impact.

Your weekly SFU horoscopes: January 6–12

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Humour
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An illustration of a girl with long flowing hair. Astrological signs and stars shine around her.
ILLUSTRATION: Marissa Ouyang / The Peak

Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor

Aries — March 21–April 19

You’ve made your New Years’ resolutions. And you’ll break them all this week. But don’t feel guilty. It’s hard, committing to stop buying Nutella at the grocer’s when you know you still have leftover peanut butter at home — it’s beyond human limits. 

Taurus — April 20–May 20

Don’t spend yet another week all psyched out by what your Spotify Wrapped said about you. It doesn’t know you; it doesn’t know your story. Nobody does, except Drake, apparently . . . which should leave you really concerned about yourself, honestly, but . . . 

Gemini — May 21–June 20

You think 2020’s going to be your year. This week will show you otherwise. You’ll leave your last class of the week with the knowledge that 2020 is just 2019’s uglier, pastier twin, and that you yourself are probably doomed to spend the next twelve months becoming uglier and pastier.

Cancer — June 21–July 22

You’re going to make some really hard choices this week. Like whether or not you’re going to tell your clique the real reason that one of your friends ghosted the Secret Santa. Remember that your actions always have consequences . . . for others.

Leo — July 23–August 22

This week marks yet another ascension for you: you’re officially going to be cuter than  of your past crushes, not just one or two of them. Now, your god complex really is justified.

Virgo — August 23–September 22

You never got that perfect mistletoe kiss this holiday season. But spend this week reminding yourself that that’s OK. Instead of kissing under a hemiparasite, your goal should be to become a hemiparasite, dangling high in the air, unbothered, sucking the life out of your surroundings.

Libra — September 23–October 22

Drink a mocha and drop that class. It’s what has to be done.

Scorpio — October 23–November 21

You may find yourself doubting your friendships this week. Test them by drowning each of your friends in the AQ pond. Those who sink to the bottom were true ones. Those who float are plotting to sell your organs to the SFSS. 

Sagittarius — November 22–December 21

You’re well on track to get what you want this week: a nice strain of mono, a lasting souvenir of the daredevil rendezvous you’re dreaming of. Just keep frequenting the deserted building in Maple Ridge formerly known as Roosters. I’m sure the spirit of a country-dancing, strong-kissing, lightly saliva-diseased partner will manifest before you. 

Capricorn — December 22–January 19

You’re just getting back on your feet after all that holiday spending. You have yet to fully recover, for example, from spending all that time with the gaggle of great-uncles and family friends whose names you only pretended to know. Take this week to draw up a budget for the year and make it very clear, to yourself and others, who is NOT on that list.

Aquarius — January 20–February 18

Let go of all your hesitations and worries. You’re a different person this year. You’re honey badger. And honey badger don’t care — about anyone, or anything.

Pisces — February 19–March 20

Be wary of public transit this week — very wary. You may be trapped on a 40-minute bus ride with a man in a faux-hawk and steel toes who wants your opinion on the dating-advice book he’s currently reading, “The Way of the Superior Man.”

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

Contact us: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society 1965-2024

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

Contact us:
[email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society 1965-2024