New U.N. study reveals that only sustainable source of protein is eating the rich

“They got us into this mess and they’re going to get us out, damn it.”

Written by Gabrielle McLaren, Editor-in-Chief

In view of soy fields eroding soil worldwide, eggs violating poultry rights, and tofu being too moist for comfort, the World Health Organization (WHO) has determined that the only truly sustainable source of protein is eating the rich. 

Their recent report has been endorsed by the world’s leading nutrition and labour studies experts, including acclaimed Hungryan sociologist Dr. Pooria Ündurfedd. The Peak spoke to Dr. Ündurfedd via Skype to learn more.

“We wouldn’t be in this mess if everyone could just keep eating red meat without worrying about cow flatulence, or if millennials weren’t forced into veganism to desperately attempt warding off a Mad Max: Fury Road apocalypse scenario,” Ündurfedd said. “But here we are, in a climate crisis, scrambling for meat alternatives. My team figured that if corporate greed and environmentally negligent industry has gotten us here, maybe they’d be the solution. 

“Like poetic justice, but culinary.” 

The United Nations admitted in their final report that they were concerned about the socioeconomic consequences of their findings, and waves have definitely been felt worldwide. 

Multi-billionaire Zark Mukerberg attempted to hide out in the underground bunker he had prepared for the upcoming nuclear apocalypse, the construction of which was facilitated by his award-winning social media platform. However, as the CBC (Comrade Broadcasting Company) recently reported, his team of manservants turned on him and devoured his flesh after lightly seasoning it with olive oil and smoked paprika. 

More locally, Gill Bates was recently found in Vancouver, feigning poverty by living in a basement suite and shopping at Walmart. He was identified after asking a customer service associate in which aisle the caviar was kept. Bates was not destined for the delicacy he craved; instead, an angry mob of overwhelmed parents, extreme couponing enthusiasts, and university students turned Bates himself into a delicacy.

As a result, governments across the globe are crashing; lobbyists are no longer funding their operations. Only one government remains: the Simon Fraser Student Society (SFSS), which reports a dramatic decrease in the use of its emergency food bank.  

“For the first time, I feel full,” said fifth-year English student Annie Belle Lecter, who had been subsiding on a diet of instant oatmeal and soda crackers since moving out of residences in second year. “I’d worry about the price my immortal soul would eventually pay for cannibalism, but since it’s endorsed by the U.N., I think I’ll worry about midterms instead. It’s so much easier to study on a full stomach.” 

Another student, Virginia Jameston of the Beedie School of the Culinary Arts, similarly welcomed the report. 

“At first I was a little bit unclear about the legality, but since my student union has turned into a hunting party, it would have been irresponsible of me not to join in. I was the treasurer up until the dollar was abolished.” 

Health Canada, which is now staffed entirely by former minimum wage fast food workers, has announced plans to re-review its food guide to ensure that Canadians incorporate adequate quantities of Beff Jezos in their diets. 

 

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