By: Petra Chase, Editor-in-Chief
Since McFogg the Dog was let go in 2018, the Board of Directors has been hard at work deciding who will replace him as SFU’s new official mascot. Finding a mascot worthy of representing our comprehensive university is a responsibility we do not take lightly. As a result, we’ve been way too swamped at our monthly meeting to get around to the calls to divest from war contractors. We’ve only just begun talking to the TSSU about a fair contract.
How’s this for accountability? Here is every mascot we’ve meticulously considered over the past year, and why we ultimately decided against them:
Three kids stacked on top of each other wearing a trenchcoat
A trenchcoat is a low-budget costume option, and that’s ultimately the reasoning behind this idea. At first, we thought this would simply be a guy in a trenchcoat. But then I came up with the brilliant idea that if we get a long enough coat, we could stack three kids on top of each other and make our mascot a mighty 12 ft. We were quite certain about this decision for several months. So much so that we made a casting call for local kids willing to drop out of school to fill the position. Ultimately, we realized this option posed practical challenges, as a trenchcoat is not always fit for the weather.
John Pork
I don’t normally answer unknown numbers, but when the call display for John Pork appeared on my phone with a photo of this handsome pig-human, I just had to hear him out. He introduced himself as a “pig who’s also a dude” just making some calls, looking for work. He seemed really chill and got on a video call to show off some of his dance moves. I was thoroughly impressed. Unfortunately, he backed out at the last minute, before we could seal the deal, saying he was moving to New York to pursue his dreams and be on Broadway. Just like that, it was back to the drawing board.
The spirit of demure #BratSummer
No one cares about engaging the world anymore. All they care about is brat this, demure that. Honestly, we didn’t have any idea what this would look like as a mascot; all we knew was we had to hop on the trend before it stopped being cool (or I guess I could say brat or demure, both synonyms for cool, I’m pretty sure). But before we could hit send on this decision, I was informed someone called Charli XCX announced brat summer was officially over. Thanks for wasting our time, Charli.
A lousy raccoon
A petition made in 2018 to make a raccoon our next mascot was brought to my attention. Sure, some valid points were brought up, like, “Oh hell yeah,” and, “The campus raccoons are nicer than the students.” Unfortunately, the petition only had 252 signatures. Not nearly enough. Typically, we don’t even look at petitions from students and faculty unless they have at least 37,000 signatures. And besides, even though we have raccoons crawling our halls and the little bandits are adorable, I just want to stall this decision a little longer because, quite honestly, I’m avoiding making any decisions, and I’ll resort to anything.
