By: Izzy Cheung, Staff Writer
Psst. Hey. It’s me. You know, your friendly neighbourhood stomach. Or well, not neighbourhood, because I am inside of you, but whatever.
So, what’s up? Why haven’t you fed us properly today? No, that small slice of toasted white bread with a little splat of Nutella on it doesn’t count — we gobbled that up in seconds. I’m talking about a big, healthy, sustainable breakfast. Give us some eggs, some protein, a smoothie bowl — you know what, I’d even go for a tiny morsel of tofu at this point.
Oh, that? The thunder down under? That’s what you get for drinking coffee this morning, hon. I tell you everyday that the bean juice doesn’t do well with us. Come on. We just woke up. It was seven in the morning. Coffee doesn’t work the same way for us as it does you. Coffee wakes you up, but it makes us feel crappy. (Get it?)
Huh? What do you mean we won’t get to eat for another two hours? Hon, it’s nine in the morning, what else do you have to do today? Go grab us something fulfilling. Pancakes. A breakfast wrap. A sandwich. Anything, at this point. I don’t care if your professor says there’s two hours left in your lecture, we’ve been waiting to eat something big since last night.
MORE coffee? Oh, come on. You know we don’t like it as much as you do. Do you WANT me to yell at you again? I know you don’t like it, but I will.
Oh my — you put cream in your coffee? YOU KNOW THAT WE’RE LACTOSE INTOLERANT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? You like whipped cream? I don’t know if you could tell, hon, but WE DON’T. LOOK AT US. SMALL INTESTINE IS CRYING BECAUSE OF YOU. THAT ONE DOLLOP OF WHIPPED CREAM SCARED THEM.
You know what — that’s it. We’ve had enough. You don’t drink enough water to replenish us, you stuff us full of caffeine and Nutella, and you sit and force us to cry while you’re typing away about capitalism instead of letting us relieve ourselves. Well, guess what? You’re about to let your entire class know how we feel about you. Good thing your professor is about to have a very brief water break, making the class as quiet as can be —
Oh? What’s that? WATER? Oh my goodness, finally. About time. Come on everyone, let’s get this water to small intestine, they’ve had a rough morning. We all have. Let’s take a breather —
. . . Is that more coffee?
