By: C Icart, Humour Editor
Aries: You, my friend, are going to have a dream about a flawed ostrich that knows how to fly. It insists on teaching fellow ostriches about the magic of flight, but it’s not working. The dream will end with your head turning into an ostrich egg.
Taurus: Hi! The ancestors of the ant you accidentally stepped on yesterday are angry, and will communicate that to you in your dreams tonight. Take all the precautions necessary, including working on your conflict resolution skills, to prepare for a heated discussion.
Gemini: You know those shorts in the back of your closet that you bought in middle school but sometimes sleep in when all your pyjamas are in the wash? Yeah, well, you’ll be wearing them in your dream tonight as you defend your kingdom against an alien invasion.
Cancer: Ummmm, yeah . . . you’re not dreaming tonight. You’ll spend all night staring at the back of your eyelids. Dreams are like little movies directed by our brains, but similar to the Writer’s Guild of America, the writers in your head are on strike.
Leo: Do you hear wedding bells? Neither do I. Anyways, don’t forget to fasten your seatbelt tonight, as you’ll be zooming across the country in your dreams. In real life, you can barely tell the difference between the brake and the gas, but as soon as the sun sets, you’ll be living your F1 fantasy.
Virgo: The Tooth Fairy is coming tonight to take your younger sibling’s tooth, but she will definitely underpay for it. So there’s only one thing left to do: guerrilla warfare. Oh wait, someone just told me that guerrilla warfare doesn’t involve gorillas. Well, I don’t know. Just make sure she’s paying the appropriate amount for that tooth.
Libra: The special someone you’ll dream about tonight will also be dreaming about you. I’m just kidding. I have no way of knowing that, but wouldn’t it be cute? Like a little frolic in a field moment, or sharing ice cream in front of a stunning view. Ooh, maybe I’m not seeing your future dreams right now, but your future daydreams. That makes more sense.
Scorpio: Do you play soccer? Because you will be scoring the winning goal in your dream tonight. As a result, you will become team captain, and they’ll rename FIFA after you. But the fame will become too much, and you’ll trade your athletic talents for a mango. Terrible choice, by the way.
Sagittarius: Do you even understand how exhausting predicting dreams is? I am so tired right now. And for what? Your ungrateful ass? I expect fresh cookies to be delivered to The Peak’s office as compensation. Also, Teletubbies, you’ll be dreaming about the Teletubbies.
Capricorn: Happy half-birthday! You know, because it’s six months since your birthday. You know that awkward feeling when your family tells the waiter it’s your birthday, so the restaurant staff breaks out into a Cirque du Soleil performance, and all the other restaurant patrons turn into goats? Well, you’ll feel it tonight when that happens in your dream.
Aquarius: I’m pretty confident you won’t dream tonight because you won’t sleep at all. That new show you’re streaming will suck you in, and you’re about to click “continue watching” every three episodes until the sun rises. I hope the season finale will be worth it!
Pisces: Please stretch your wrists before bed tonight; you’ll be playing hella piano in your dreams. You won’t be any good at it, but hey, if you’re having fun, that’s all that matters. Eventually, you’ll become insatiable and eat the whole piano but don’t worry, you’ll wake up before finding out what that would do to your next bowel movement.
