By: C Icart, Humour Editor
Somewhere in the world, tracked by ElonJet, a vocal free speech advocate takes time off from complying with authoritarian governments’ censorship requests to call his mommy.
Mom, you don’t get it! It’s almost as embarrassing as that time users voted on my own poll to tell me to quit my CEO job! Sure, the company is now worth half of what I paid for it, but that doesn’t mean I’m not still a genius!
No, mom! The only people who say my current valuation is high are haters! IT’S NOT FAIR! I’ve been busting my ass trying to make big changes to the company, and no one even wants to subscribe. I had to use Daddy’s emerald mine money — I mean, my own money that I earned from building all my companies from the ground up from nothing, to buy subscriptions for other people. And did they thank me??? No! They’re all going out of their way to clarify to their followers that they haven’t paid for it. A simple thank-you would be nice.
What do you mean, what do I want you to do? I want you to make them stop! Everyone’s acting like I’m trying to give them cooties. I don’t have cooties, mom. I’m cool! Everyone knows I’m cool. They all saw the gun replicas and diet coke on my bedside table.
THEY’RE. NOT. TOYS. They’re replicas. They make me feel strong, mom!
Yeah, I put the cans in the recycling . . . Can we please get back on topic? I’m basically being bullied for no reason.
Oh my god, no, it’s not the same as when I made fun of the disabled worker. That wasn’t even my fault; how was I supposed to know he was actually disabled? You know what this is? It’s the “woke mind virus” that’s making people think they shouldn’t pay the price of one Starbucks latte per month so they can have NFT profile pictures. All these woke journalists just don’t get it! I’m so tired of explaining it to them that I changed my press email auto-reply to a poop emoji. Isn’t that clever, mom? It’s funny, right?
No, no, it’s hilarious because — never mind . . .
Yeah, I can bring some of the kids over for dinner this week . . . Yeah, yeah whatever, I can’t pronounce their names either. I gotta go; I just thought of another low-quality meme to post.
