By: C Icart, Humour Editor

News anchor: Breaking news — a local cisgender man who does gender-affirming things all the time is adamant when it comes to preventing trans individuals from doing the same. I, your local reporter, had the opportunity to interview Mr. Big Bigot and hear more about this frankly confusing affair. Take a look at the footage. 

Clip of Mr. Bigot waving a transphobic sign riddled with spelling errors in the street because he has nothing better to do.

News anchor: What are you trying to achieve here today?

Mr. Bigot: I want to stop the drag queens from reading to school children. 

News anchor: Why?

Mr. Bigot: Because if anyone had ever read to me growing up, I wouldn’t be the man I am today! 

News anchor: Fascinating . . . Would you say you’re jealous of the drag queens?

Mr. Bigot: I would prefer not to answer that. 

News anchor: But Drag Queen Storytime is not the only thing you’re against.

Mr. Bigot: No, I’m against all of it! Drag queens, transgender, cisgender . . .

News anchor: Aren’t you cisgender?

Mr. Bigot: Absolutely not! I’m not cisgender. Being cisgender would require me to know what that word means, and I like to stay away from big words; they scare me. 

News anchor: So, you’re afraid of the LGBTQIA2S+ acronym because the number of letters intimidates you? 

Mr. Bigot: Next question. 

News anchor: Would you be able to tell our viewers at home what exactly gender-affirming healthcare is? 

Mr. Bigot: I would not.

News anchor: But you are voting to ban it. 

Mr. Bigot: Correct.

News anchor:  Why is it important to you? 

Mr. Bigot: It’s not. I saw a man on TV once get really worked up about what the M&M’s have been wearing these days, and I decided to get worked up, too, because I don’t like to be left behind. Normal people don’t have to affirm their gender. 

News anchor: Is this why you’re letting your toupée slowly slip off your head? Is this part of your bold stance against gender affirmation? 

A strong gust of wind blows off Mr. Bigot’s toupée. He runs after it, cursing. The camera cuts back to the news anchor in the newsroom. 

News anchor: Wow. Well, you heard it here first, folks. If you’d like to share your thoughts on Mr. Bigot’s big “it’s cool when I do it, it’s a problem when they do it” energy, use #LiteracyIsGay on all social media platforms. Until next time and remember, reading is what? FUNDAMENTAL. That’s right, take care.