By: Kelly Chia, Humour Editor
Aries:
Precious Aries, you deserve a companion who knows how to soothe your rage, which we have determined will be directed toward leather bus seats today. We think the kind Blissey will make you smile just by looking at her. Plus, she’ll give you an egg in these trying times.
Taurus:
Wow, spring is blooming in more ways than one. Good for you, Taurus, it looks like you have found some peace this week! Chill out and enjoy the cherry blossoms with the blossom Pokémon, Cherrim! Like you, Cherrim spends a good deal of time hiding its beautiful face away from the sun, but now you are in bloom and deserve to frolic. Yes, FROLIC!
Gemini:
Oh, Gemini. You’re so special, and if you need to read a Humour Horoscopes column to believe it, then damn it, this was your day! In fact, we don’t think one Pokémon would be enough to encompass your glory . . . so have two. Nidoran are famously known for having two forms. You know what they say — three is a party!
Cancer:
Have you been avoiding emails and texts this week, Cancer? We get it — we all need a break sometimes. But the world misses you! How about a companion who knows how to cheer you on? The adorable Plusle comes with complementary plus-signs on its cheeks. ISN’T THAT ADORABLE? Now, fight your inbox!
Leo:
Okay, olive branch, Leo. We’ve been a bit too mean to you lately. In all honesty, we are jealous of your charisma and star power! I mean, how do you do it? Oh, look at that! The enigmatic and sweet Eevee is drawn to your ability to adapt to all situations. May you evolve and achieve all your dreams this summer!
Virgo:
A-are you okay, Virgo? We sense some animosity on your end! While you may just want to kick a bush that pisses you off, how about having a scream session with Loudred? We hear screaming can release something in you, and Loudred knows all about how to make your voice loud and proud!
Libra:
You are killing it, Libra. You have been handling every responsibility like a champ, and we know the perfect little guy to run alongside you in all your errands today. Take Growlithe up for size! The loyal puppy is ready to help — and give snuggles when you are all done.
Scorpio:
The Stars are hearing that you need some home decor inspirations to really get into the spring cleaning mood! Well, we’re not sure how much Fomantis knows about interior decoration, but they’re super cute! Maybe you’ll be ready to take care of some succulents with the little plant Pokémon by your side.
Sagittarius:
Awful news!! We were ready to deliver your horoscope, but it’s been stolen by Zorua! Tricky fox. Oh well, all we were going to tell you was that you are a great friend, and we think this is the fox’s way of trying to get you to play! Why don’t you look for that tuft of fur?
Capricorn:
You have been championing group presentations left and right, turning in essays, and running on two hours of sleep and a dream. You need a rest, Capricorn. We promise everything will be okay after you get some sleep. The watchful Rowlet is watchful, but also wise. It will help you ace every test with an owlish coo!
Aquarius:
You love the winter, and are still bitter about losing an hour of sleep as the days get warmer. We get it, we are winter children, too, and we just want to cozy up! Is that so hard? Alolan Vulpix does not think so! One flick of those six icy tails and you will be ready to have some hot chocolate by your frosty fox.
Pisces:
What’s this? In place of your horoscope this week, we have found . . . a wish scroll! You are so blessed, Pisces! The wish Pokémon, Jirachi, feels sorry that you always come last in horoscope lists and has decided to grant you a wish. So, what will it be? Your most ambitious wishes will come into fruition — the Stars won’t tell!
