By: C Icart, Staff Writer
Dear Peakie,
I tossed Caesar salad for a “friend,” but I didn’t use Caesar sauce because I don’t believe in the concept of Julius Caesar after he stole all my work. I feel like the salad should be titled “betrayal” salad instead. It’s a name that’s a work in progress. My friends all say I’m being petty, but I think I’m just standing up for what I believe in.
Am I an asshole for wondering why my former friend doesn’t want my betrayal salad?
Sincerely,
Dear Brutus,
ESH (everybody sucks here). You cannot kill a man and eat his salad, too! Your so-called “friend” asking you for a Caesar salad in the first place is toxic behaviour. But you AGREEING to make the salad and leaving out the KEY INGREDIENT?! Straight to jail. You need new friends, and you need to learn how to not agree to things you cannot do. Best of luck to you and your sad, undressed salad!
Sincerely,
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
I made a teensy-weensy parking error and took up two parking spots with my entire car body. I have been quoted directly from ICBC as a “menace,” but I thought it was a compliment until I received a big fine from SFU and a sticky note with a sad face on it. What did I do to warrant that sticky note? I am just parking the way my heart desired — horizontally!
Am I an asshole?
Sincerely,
Driving Away From My Consequences
Dear Driving Away From My Consequences,
YTA (you’re the asshole). But so is the person who gave you a license. They’re going to have to bring back Canada’s Worst Driver just for you! You’re confused, sweetheart! First, you say you made a parking error, then you say you’re parking according to your heart’s desires. Which one is it??? Your heart never makes mistakes. Here’s my advice. Suffer through the 145, packed like sardines to get up the mountain, like the rest of us.
Steering you in the right direction,
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
I feel like it’s very well-understood by everyone that the fourth seat in the second row belongs to me. It is my desk to claim because I sat there on the first day. I am emotionally attached to this table and I feel so viscerally upset when I see someone sitting in my seat. How can I tell these people off? And can you please tell me I’m a good person?!
Sincerely,
Waiting for Someone to Stand
Dear Waiting for Someone to Stand,
NTA (not the asshole). Everyone in your class has been in a classroom before. They all know the unspoken rules. There may be no official assigned seating, but there sure is unofficial assigned seating. So here’s what you’re going to do: next time you go to class, if someone is sitting in your seat, you sit right on them. Alternatively, just take the desk home with you in-between lectures. If the seat isn’t in the class, no one can steal it from its rightful owner — you.
Standing in solidarity,
Peakie
