By: Kelly Chia, Humour Editor
Students,
On this sunny October afternoon, we bring you a nightmare every undergrad student can surely relate to. Today’s story comes from Bend n. Snap, a student just like you, lost in the seemingly endless corners of the Burnaby building. They made the morbid mistake of trusting . . . SFU Snap. Just shudder-inducing. We’ll let Snap tell you the story.
Snap was searching for a quiet room to study on the sixth floor of the AQ, a site of increasingly frequent paranormal activity. This labyrinth has confused many innocent students on their valiant quests to find their tutorial room, only to be met with corner after corner of Faculty and Arts and Social Sciences departmental offices. An extremely relatable problem, if we do say so ourselves. On this particular day, as they found themselves near a suspiciously clean bathroom, they decided to open up SFU Snap. That’s when they saw it: AQ 69420. How curious!
Snap says this is when “engagement killed the McFogg,” our adorable way of saying curiosity killed the . . . Well, no need to get morbid. Once Snap saw that room, they were caught by how novel the room number was. “I mean, imagine! 69420! So funny!” We laughed politely when Snap recited this to us, as we encourage you to do. With no thought as to how there could be a five digit room number in Academic Quadrangle, Snap continued on their daunting quest to find a story to tell.
Drawn like Sleeping Beauty to that spinning wheel, Snap pursued the loading screen of SFU Snap for clues to this elusive room. Unfortunately, reception was especially suspenseful, only loading the next corner of the map when Snap had reached it. Before they knew it, Snap found they had rounded this fire escape one, no, three times? How many times have they passed the Humanities offices now?
Snap shook their weary head. Perhaps this was the universe’s way of telling them they could not have a hearty little chortle while studying. They started to turn toward the couches that everyone sits on, but stopped. Suddenly the halls looked different. According to Snap, where there once were maps of the floor posted on the elevator doors, there were now regal framed portraits of raccoons with snapback hats. The sublime silence of the sixth floor was replaced with faint airhorn sounds dooting at Snap. They were surrounded by cans of Mountain Dew and Doritos. It was unmistakable: this was the embodiment of 69420 itself.
Snap swore they could hear whispers. “‘Your paper is actually fine,’” Snap remembers one kind voice fondly. But as a whole, they felt afraid and confused. “For all the paranormal activity that was happening around me, it was actually quite encouraging.”
Snap looked down at SFU Snap, and was shocked to see a goofy little smiley face on the map. “Haha, get fogged!” a corny voice blared from the app. Snap checked to see if this was a new engaging function of MySSP, but the app just smiled back at them. Reportedly, after flicking the face a few times, it sighed and the illusion faded. The snack food disappeared before him like an angelic, caffeinated farewell. The app was back as it always was: mildly functional. Only one thing caught Snap’s eyes as they decided to leave the school after their ordeal. A new regal portrait had been added of them, rendered as a raccoon in a snapback.
“I’m not sure what led me to being chosen for this special moment,” Snap confessed, fiddling with their snapback. “All I know is if there is even a chance that SFU Snap has something interesting to show you, you must be cautious, lest you lay your eyes onto something most students could not comprehend.”
What was the purpose of this ghost haunting the app? To show students a jolly time when they needed it most? To render them as fancy raccoons? We’re not sure. But we continue to investigate these cryptids on campus to learn more about their ways. Until next time, we drink a Mountain Dew in Snap’s courageous honour.
