By: Kelly Chia, Staff Writer and All Knowing

Dear Peakie,

My roommate keeps eating my eggs, but when I confront them they completely deny it! They say either I have a bad memory or someone else is eating them. We’re the only two people living together! Please help.

Lost,

Cracked in Coquitlam

Dear Cracked in Coquitlam,

Oh dear. It sounds like you’re being gaslit by a roommate who would rather fry your eggs than understand your eggs. Well, here’s what I would suggest to get crackin’ on: disguise yourself as a giant ostrich egg and teach your roommate a valuable lesson about stealing. See, upon observing an ostrich egg in the home your roommate will be naturally intrigued by the mythos of that golden yolk of truth. They will be unable to resist trying to eat you. The key word here is try, as you are not actually an egg. Instead, Cracked, you are a diviner of truth. When your roommate discovers what they’re whisking is you, scramble their emotions like they have scrambled yours! 

Sincerely,

Peakie

Dear Peakie,

I’m having a tough time choosing which major to declare in my third year. I have done a lot of philosophy classes and really enjoyed them but I also have a passion for biology! I don’t know what careers I could pursue in either, though, so if you could help me figure out my life that would be great.

Sincerely,

Indecisive in West Mall

Dear Indecisive in West Mall,

Unfortunately, I can not guide you through all of life, but I suppose I can help you with this chapter . . . Here is what I would advise you to do: don’t confine yourself to a mortal timeline, darling. Why can you not be both a biologist and a philosopher? Experimentation means flavour, and flavour means dazzle — the two fundamental tenets of Biology and Philosophy. Why pressure yourself with the labels when you can just be, honey? 

Anyways, that will be $12,000 dollars per annum for the next 15 years, please. You can send e-transfers to [email protected] the first of every May.

Believe in yourself,

Peakie

Dear Peakie,

I work for the IT services of a major university and my job is really stressful. I spend most of my days working hard to make sure the data of the university is kept safe, but anytime I can’t fend off a major attack, I’m blamed! It feels like everyone hates me or is waiting for me to screw up. Even when I offer solutions, they say I’m doing too much or not enough. How do I stop myself from uncontrollably sobbing and communicate to everyone that I’m a much better person than they think I am?

Thanks,

Stressed in an Undisclosed, Generic Location

Dear Stressed in an Undisclosed, Generic Location,

Have you tried turning your self-image on and off again?

Let’s try to reroute some of these problems and link to the main issue — your reputation. Instead of IT services, I would consider renaming yourself TMB services: “Trying My Best.” That way, when a certain student bodies try to be mean to you about your job, you have protection! 

And don’t forget, Stressed in an Undisclosed, Generic Location — you have all the power in this situation. They have problems communicating nicely with you? Cut off their communication lines! No surveys, no internet, and you can guarantee, no complaints! Don’t worry about the moral implications, students are used to poor communication anyways, they will adapt perfectly.

Hang in there.

Love,

Peakie