By: Carter Hemion, Humour Editor
ARIES: Never make a bet with a communication student. They will ruin you and they have the forbidden knowledge and skillset to make sure the whole world hears about it. In fact, avoid communication students altogether, so you’re never tempted. But hey, if you win, you’ll unlock limitless bragging rights, and I’m not the boss of you, anyway. Do what you will.
TAURUS: Gonna go grocery shopping? Terrible idea! Instead, gather your spare change and find the nearest vending machine. Off-brand cheese puffs and diet cola drinks are the new best study meals, you know. No more of these “balanced meals” and “vegetables.”
GEMINI: Give away all of your textbooks, donate them to a thrift shop, burn them in an ancient ritual, whatever, but do not sell them back to the bookstore. You will get pennies and, even worse, contribute to the cycle of SFU selling them again at an almost new price to buy more copies of the same textbook.
CANCER: You should not scream into the void when overwhelmed. It’s not like there’s a huge forest on a mountain surrounding an SFU campus where you can just go to howl in the night with the coyotes, and there’s certainly no way you, as a university student, experience any kind of frustration or excitement to let out.
LEO: Up late studying every night? Don’t go to bed at all. Make it an all-nighter. Transition to a nocturnal life, embracing a mostly isolated lifestyle, just like the bears on and around the Burnaby campus. Don’t worry, everyone I know has only seen bears in between and around the residence buildings, so you’ll fit right in.
VIRGO: Never sing in the shower. Try singing in SFU halls instead. When everyone wears masks, nobody has to know you’re the one screaming “Watermelon Sugar” by Harry Styles all afternoon. Anyone sharing your home washroom will be relieved.
LIBRA: Gonna try a new outdoor activity? Nope, you’re not. Instead, remember this: keep out of bright light (especially sunlight), stay away from all water, and never feed yourself after midnight. Sorry, I don’t make the rules!
SCORPIO: Let go of that old group project buddy that you desperately want to be friends with. Stop checking everything they post, waving when you think you see them on campus, and sitting two rows away from them in a lecture like you’re going to say hi again. They remember that you slacked in the class, and you definitely cost them a few extra points.
SAGITTARIUS: You cannot answer that Canvas discussion post by just paraphrasing ideas from the first three comments you read. At least add a couple puns or something so it looks like you tried. Maybe even an original thought if you feel like it.
CAPRICORN: Down the road, you’ll be faced with the decision about whether to go to the Dining Hall with friends for lunch between classes. Do not go. You will meet the nicest staff there. You will say you’ll be back next week to visit them. You will eat a burger made of something that definitely isn’t beef with fries that alternate between floppy raw potato and crunchy charcoal bits every Tuesday at 12:25 p.m. and the dopamine from exchanging witty banter and compliments at the front desk is not worth it.
AQUARIUS: Never wear a red tie and black shirt with eyeliner. You can consider it, but that style is only for Green Day’s Aquarius. Come up with your own pop-punk look next time you get bored and lip sync in the mirror for 20 minutes when you should be getting ready.
PISCES: Gonna dress up for your next date? Don’t. It’s best for everyone for you to be your authentic self. That means no more regurgitating facts from your last lecture to sound like an academic, no more spending an extra three hours changing your hair, and most importantly, no more making excuses to buy a new outfit you’ll only wear again for a Zoom networking event you’re dreading.
