Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: March 22–28

ILLUSTRATION: Marissa Ouyang / The Peak

By: Charlotte Gravert / Peak Associate

Happy Equinox, everyone! You are formally invited to the annual spring fever infection party! Mild to severe symptoms are expected and may include . . .

ARIES: Are you feeling hot, Aries? Is your burning fire of passion totally ignited? No, not the sexy kind, but the one where you plan to take over the world and start a guerilla revolution. Bring some Tums along with your vendetta. We all know what fire season does to your acid reflux. 

TAURUS: Even the steadiest of the signs can’t escape the changes brought on by spring. Don’t worry about suddenly losing interest in your usual comfort Netflix series. Have you considered branching out away from nature documentaries to something like Finders Keepers? It’ll put you a leg above your spring worries, trust me.

GEMINI: Have your roommates or parents complained yet about how often you air out your room? Is indoor claustrophobia causing a spike in your hydro bill? You can’t have it all, Gemini. Pick fresh air and a sweater or your crippety croppety top, but keep the damn window shut. Sincerely, your mother.

CANCER: Isn’t it a bit early for hayfever, Cancer? You expected the puffy eyes from crying jokes, didn’t you? Well, actually, another symptom from hayfever is pain in the temples, but not even the stars can tell if it’s from hayfever or these bitches trying you.

LEO: Occupied counting each fresh freckle on your face? You can recount the exact number on your face from counting yesterday, but the real question is, can you remember what SPF sunscreen you put on today? None? That’s what I thought.

VIRGO: Mesmerized by the golden hour glistening through your window? The various shapes of yellow and orange and . . . dust?! Sorry, the aesthetically pleasing golden hour photos will have to wait until after your booty call with one Mr. Clean.

LIBRA: Spring to you is simply a whole season full of new beginnings. Now, your “For You” Spotify playlist now has a bunch of obscure songs you keep replaying hoping they’ll stick with you. Unfortunately, Libra, few new interests ever do.

SCORPIO: Cuffing season is over, Scorpio. Time to admire the new vaccine, the flowers and the trees, and the birds and the bees. Just remember how sensitive you are — to pollen, of course.

SAGITTARIUS: Spring fever connoisseur Mark Twain was a Sagitarrius. He just gets your all-consuming restlessness: “when you’ve got it, you want — oh, you don’t quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!”

CAPRICORN: Bah, humbug. Spring fever is just a euphemism for the urge to reproduce. Do you feel irritated and wish you could fast-forward to your summer job? Exposure therapy might be the only option here. We suggest joining Virgo and their booty call post-vaccine.

AQUARIUS: Lost in between daydreaming and vivid fantasies, the line between reality and imagination never runs as thin as it does for you during spring. Hit the break on shifting in and out of your cottagecore fantasy. You still need to meet the term’s deadlines no matter how hot your fairy girlfriend is.

PISCES: The sudden change to sunshine and butterflies is throwing you for a loop. It’s alright if you resist the existential crises. Just enjoy the daffodils blooming and get off Pinterest and your “Summer 2021” board. We’ll probably all be too anxious to go out and do things still. Sorry.