Written by Juztin Bello, Madeleine Chan, Kelly Chia, Gabrielle McLaren, and Zach Siddiqui
If you read the Percy Jackson books, then you know that the twelve Olympian gods of Greek lore travel wherever the flame of civilization goes. The flame has gotten a bit tired of investing so much of itself into the U.S. to no avail, so it’s taken a vacation up north . . . and the gods have taken some, um, interesting new forms to match their new winter home: Simon Fraser University, sitting atop Mount Burnabus.
Bow down or bow out: the Burnympians are ready and waiting for YOUR worshipful sacrifice.
God of inconvenient weather and cheating Chads
Daddy of the gods, Zeus oversees all of Mount Burnabus. Every day, fuckboys on campus pray to him for static electricity to zap their coifs into place. When snow falls and fog rolls in, it’s because Zeus is hiding his emotional unavailability from his lovers — and hiding them from Hera.
Goddess of jealousy of all non-mountain universities and Diamond Alumni Centre weddings
Queen of the gods, Hera rules by her disloyal husband’s side. When she’s not busy tormenting Zeus’s illegitimate children from lower-elevation universities, she’s spreading her blessings at DAC weddings. No blessings for the happy couple, though — she’s there for the guest who’s sobbing into their cake, envying the newlyweds’ happiness, and wishing for a better relationship.
God of the AQ reflecting pond, Concreteshaker, patron of koi fish
Dwelling in the AQ pond, Poseidon personally eats the trash in the water so the koi fish don’t. Failed quizzes, condom wrappers, Mini Mart receipts exposing your mini-Oreos diet, your devil’s-advocate ex . . . Next time you consider jumping in, following the siren song of granola wrappers chanting “one of us!”, remember that he’s in there and it could get kinky.
The goddess of the succulent, patron goddess of mom friends and hungry students
Whenever Demeter visits a dorm room, a new succulent mysteriously appears there. She’s the source of Munchie Mondays and impromptu Krispy Kreme fundraisers. Most importantly, she governs the SFU seasons — unfortunately, she takes plenty of long, off-campus naps, leaving students begging for spring weather to no avail.
God of getting you fired up while listening to ignorant, morally corrupt classmates
Strongest during in-class debates, Hephaestus ignites fires in students forced to listen to a classmate express their views on issues such as the wage gap or climate change — with neither actual knowledge on these issues nor a moral compass. Instead of a morning star or battleaxe, Hephaestus equips his followers with comebacks sure to wound more deeply than any physical weapon could.
God of slacking off in classes and driving to school with his chariot of choice — the Tesla Model S.
Apollo spends his time “vibing out.” Wherever he walks, he amplifies the arrogance of that one student nearby (there’s always one nearby) who won’t stop talking about his brewery. Apollo’s student-worshippers tend to go blind, as he regularly bathes them in something their eyes aren’t prepared for — direct sunlight.
The goddess of the Burnaby wilderness and the hunt for adequate exam grades
Artemis blesses students with the adrenaline of the hunt, as long as they consume her nectar and ambrosia: Red Bull and Canvas lecture slides. The wild animals roaming SFU assemble offerings under the moonlight in her honour. Artemis casts a wary eye on campus meninists: it’s said that if someone says something misogynistic three times, Artemis will come to personally hunt them.
Messenger of the group chat that’s popping during lecture while you’re trying to pay attention
Hermes is responsible for all of those notifications you get on your phone and/or laptop while you’re trying to take somewhat coherent notes. Those who deny him are only met with more worthless notifications. If you message your group chat and don’t get left on read by every single person, then Hermes has truly blessed you.
Bathroom-lurking goddess, soothing the student body and its soul
In the time it took your bowels to process those Taco Cantina leftovers, Aphrodite has executed a perfect winged eyeliner, distributed pads to souls in need, complimented several outfits, and gushed about one introvert’s OTP after clocking their fandom pins. She’s beauty, she’s grace, and her random acts of kindness are the reason we haven’t launched ourselves down Gaglardi in a wheelbarrow.
Lord of war and man in your history class way too comfortable asking what kind of bullets were used to massacre civilians
He’s not actually a god at all. He’s just a random student who’s auditing PSYC 367 — he’s that guy taking it to get into the minds of serial killers who dismembered women “for academic reasons.” He was even happier in ENGL 113W telling a TA that Shakespeare was a pussy for writing off-stage murders. He keeps bickering with an underpaid sessional about irrelevant military history, as if dropping the tutorial’s first ‘fuck’ wasn’t enough.
Goddess of galaxy-brain moments, fierce attire, and the war against bad grades
The brains of the bunch, Athena is said to pass around the one brain cell that SFU students share to those she deems worthy. Rumour has it that she sprang from Zeus’ head fully dressed in Beedie School of Business-branded merch, armed with a smart pencil, ready to aid students in taking legible notes.
God of blacking out on cheap wine and requesting the DJ at The Study play “Mr. Brightside” . . . again
Always one for a good time, Dionysus bestows good vibes and cheap pre-games. Students acknowledge Dionysus by belting out one of his many prayers from the “songs that make white people go crazy” playlist. If you get a little too sloppy on a night out, Dionysus won’t judge you. (Though the people around you, watching you try to steal a pinball machine after puking all over it, might.)
God of the parking garages, where souls travel to die, and the mounds of hoarded ticket fine money hidden beneath the concrete
Ruling the bowels of SFU, Hades commands legions of undead parking officers. Powerful spirits wander this world,
those whose parents were rich enough to make down-payments on their cars. It’s said that students who consume the fruits of his domain, conveniently placed open parking spaces, can never leave the garage — that’s why you’ve never heard of anyone at this school content with their parking.