Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor
Aries — March 21–April 19
This week, some might call you an evil-hearted monster for spilling the tea to your seminar section about which of your classmates have been skipping class to go underwater basket weaving. Reassure yourself with the Dark Lord Voldemort’s words. “There is no good and evil . . . only power, and those too weak to seek it.”
Taurus — April 20–May 20
You’re going to be so exhausting this week. Friends may expect you to be there for them, family may expect you to call them, and the edgy young man in camo, pajama pants, and rainboots may expect you to tap him into the SkyTrain station. But you won’t do any of that. Human relationships will fade in the light of Neo New Luxury Space Classical Macroeconomics.
Gemini — May 21–June 20
You are questioning your own worth a lot this week. Why doesn’t the transit system consider it worthwhile to plan its schedules around you and your needs? If you run late, remind yourself: You don’t run for busses, busses run for you.
Cancer — June 21–July 22
It’s OK to break down this week. When you arrive at your least favourite class, you have your choice of self-relief. Dump out onto the floor the heavy, scholarly contents of your PHYSICAL baggage or unload upon the class your EMOTIONAL baggage.
Leo — July 23–August 22
Your powers have descended to their lowest, coldest point this time of year. Give in and buy an expensive pillow and blanket set from Indigo. When the cashier tells you that the pillowcase and the pillow are charged separately, your lethargy will force you not to raise any Karen-esque tyranny.
Virgo — August 23–September 22
Sickness lingers at the edge of your skin this week. Tip the balance in your favour by fortifying yourself with maple and brown sugar oatmeal, honey, various berries, and milk over water. Create your own happiness.
Libra — September 23–October 22
Audit a session of BUS 237: Introduction to Business Technology Management sometime this week. Maybe you’ll finally learn to responsibly manage your messy personal business.
Scorpio — October 23–November 21
You’re going to do a lot with your tongue this week. So remember you need to be brushing it. Don’t let the biofilm blooming on your tastebuds embarrass you during a class discussion.
Sagittarius — November 22–December 21
Your imagination is running wild. Remember to keep fantasy separate from reality. You may dream about finding academic sources that won’t eat your life-force with every paragraph, but it’s time you woke up.
Capricorn — December 22–January 19
This week, stop criticizing your classmates for their apparent worthlessness. At least they know how to vacuum.
Aquarius — January 20–February 18
Aquarius season? No . . . it’s DISHES season. It means you have two choices this week. Wash your dishes, or shut up and wash your dishes.
Pisces — February 19–March 20
Hold your cards close to your chest this week. They might have the souls of innocents imprisoned inside of them, just like in the first season of Yu-Gi-Oh!, and they need to be protected.