I tried celibacy for a week

You won’t believe what happened when this guy did something no one cares about!

Illustration by Siloam Yeung

Written by Jason Kireina, Peak Associate 

I’ll admit, I do enjoy leaning into the sex stuff a bit. Is it because I was sexually repressed and closeted as an adolescent and thus have gone/still go overboard with compensating for lost sexual experiences? Perhaps. Do I admit I have a bit of a problem? Maybe.

Then the perfect challenge arose — a co-worker saying to me, “You really can’t go a day without doing or saying something sexual, can you?”

And that’s how my week-long experiment began — something I never thought a young, hip, easily sexually aroused person like myself would attempt.

Going celibate for a week.

Day 1

Today I started my journey with perusing Grindr, Tinder, Hinge, Bro, Hornet, Chappy, and Scruff. I met up with a guy and we boned. It was rad. Then I remembered that I was supposed to be celibate. Whoops.

Day 1 (again)

OK, I actually managed to be celibate today.

Walking into the office, I definitely got some attention from my co-workers. I think they could tell I was radiating a purer and more chaste light, but that might have been because I was fully dressed like a nun.  

A couple of them playfully gave me a hard time. They said things like “why are you doing this?” and “this literally makes no sense,” and “you’re just doing this for attention,” and even “you’re an idiot; I don’t even like you.”

I can’t believe this is the kind of stuff celibate people go through every day. Remarkable.

Day 2

I’ll be honest, two (three, technically) days in and I’m kind of getting the handle on this. I’ve started picking up hobbies to fill the time I’d waste thinking or talking about sex — who knew you could do so much pointless shit besides trying to get raw-dogged?

Maybe this isn’t so hard after all!

Day 3

I feel like I’m losing myself. I don’t know who I am anymore. I can’t do this.

Day 4

Admittedly, yesterday was a bad day, but today I’m feeling better.

I’ve had to tell all of these guys who message me that I can’t talk to them because I’m celibate — I even started telling guys who haven’t even asked. I also told my parents, friends, co-workers who already knew, and random people I passed on the street.

Just doing what I can to spread the good word.

Day 5

I’ve now spent five days being celibate and I truly feel like I know what the lives of celibate people are like.

There’s a lot of doubt, self-restraint, and an understanding that it’s not that you can’t have sex, it’s that you choose not to. This experiment is truly teaching me a lot of very obvious things that I can’t wait to condescendingly explain to people in depth.

I really think people will respect me for trying this out, and hopefully that will make them want to fuck me. 

Day 6

Two days left, and I realize now how empowering being celibate is — and not just for people who legitimately want to be celibate, but also for me, a local hero. Why? Well . . . because . . . you know . . . There are . . . expectations? We live in a society that pressures people to . . . do . . . things?

Fuck, I don’t know. People say these kinds of things in BuzzFeed videos that do really well, might as well try throwing something like that in here.

Day 7 

So today was my last day, and I have to say, it’s crazy how normal not being an overtly sexual/sexually-driven person has become for me. It’s like people can just be like this all of the time. Truly wild. 

Honestly, I learned a lot about myself this week. I learned that every other sentence I say is/contains a euphemism for sex, buttholes, or dicks — I had to spend a lot of this week with my usually gaping mouth-hole closed. I also learned that you’re still allowed to eat and sleep when you’re celibate. And, most importantly, I learned that, much like Tinkerbell, I need to get absolutely clapped to survive. I think that’s how the quote goes, I don’t know. I’m not a Disney gay.

So I guess the question stands: would I ever do this again? Would I ever consider going celibate after a week of growing, learning, and becoming in tune with myself more?

Absolutely fucking not. This was bunk as hell.

I need to get laid. Now.