Written by Kelly Chia, Staff Writer
Disclaimer: *turns around in office chair, stroking a soft white cat* It is November, bitches. Once again, it is time for me to bless you with my words. Also please stop with the anonymous tumblr asks. I know that you are surely jealous that you don’t possess my word mastery, but it just can’t be helped. Last time, I let our beloved Kathearrynne dangle over the edge of her precious, beautiful life. Let’s see what happens next, shall we?
********** THE FINAL CHAPTER **********
==== Avocado Statue’s P.O.V. ==== [A/N: That’s right, didn’t expect that, did we?]
I had been sleeping for many years when a beautiful woman made eye contact with me. I mean, really looked at me. Kids pass by me all the time to stare at me, and students rushing to have s*x would sit on me, but I’ve never had someone look at me like that goth lady did . . . and it stirred something up.
Suddenly, all the raw tantric energy stored in me from years of s*xy times burst through my round body. I needed to be with that girl now . . . I didn’t know her name yet, but she was the one.
And blessed be this mirror on my supple body because I saw her again! But this time she had been pushed into the water by a fiend. I rose out of my resting spot, suddenly donning the reasonably attractive human shape I was always destined to bear, and sprung to my loved one! We needed to start our new, fabulous time together now. I wouldn’t let anyone get in our way.
“Kathearrynne!!”
==== Kathearrynne’s P.O.V. ====
At first, I didn’t understand what was happening. The holy water had seared my skin, and now it had become all too cold. I was surrounded by the various koi fish in the AQ pond.
‘How embarrassing,’ I thought, as I sunk deeper into the shallow water, ‘maybe I’m too much of a loser to fight back here.’ But then, like Naruto when his powers took over and turned him into a hawt foxy manimal [A/N: ROAR!], I felt my vampire blood surge through my body. I was a dragon, metaphorically speaking, and I would not fall!
“Dracula Killer Power, Make Up!” I yelled, holding my hand up to the surface in a Sailor Moon-esque pose. I was wrapped in rad energy waves, as my black ensemble was adorned with ornate jewellery. My limbs were wrapped in neon fishnets, which were filled with justice. I stood on the lake with hands on my hips. “I, Kathearynne Targaryen Dark Ash Snow Ketchum, will take what is mine with exams and blood! And in the name of all things edgy on this campus, I’ll punish you!” I finished, pointing to my mortal enemy — Stacy von Tussle (A/N: that bitch who tried to steal Kathearynne’s canvas grades and her man last chapter and then stabbed her with silver!@!!).
And then, a voice! It was a voice I had been hearing my whole life. “Kathearrynne!!” [A/N: We love a continuity queen uwu] I whipped my head around. I knew it: my very own Stone Cold Steve Austin. I gazed at him lovingly, and we did a courting move: the dab.
I snickered at Stacy, who was quivering slightly. “Who has a little avocado man now?” My voice boomed through the pond. I was prepared to fight, but so was she. “SHARPAY EVANS WAS AN UNDERRATED CHARACTER, MAKE UP!” Stacy yelled, transforming similarly. It was so boring that I yawned when she appeared in her hot pink ensemble. “I’M GOING TO END YOUR BLOODLINE!” Stacy yelled, powering down in front of me.
“Now, now . . .” the professor said, but we didn’t care. Stacy and I were destined to spar, and this was bigger than him, bigger than my handsome guy even. This was Sparta.
“I relish taking you down,” Stacy breathed. Okay, the inner lady might have liked that but feelings are a distraction!
I prepared my laser, murmuring, “Dracarys Hyper Fog Moon Beeeeeeam!”
“JUST GO AHEAD AND HATE ON ME AND RUN YOUR MOUTH! SO EVERYONE CAN HEAR!” Stacy ejaculated, reciting the chorus to “Loser Like Me” sung by the Glee cast, and a powerful soundwave of pop covers strung with awkward teen drama released from her palm, interlocking with my raven beam. [A/N: If you were a Gleek, you are NOT valid.] We went like that for awhile, and sometimes Lea Michele’s vocals would overpower my Poe-esque ray of doom.
But in the end, I stood victorious. Stacy and I had a vicious fight, but love had softened my demonic, cold heart. We had learned a lot about each other in the course of 10 minutes. Stacy held my hand, and passed the silver blade to me, “I give you this silver blade, which is a metaphor – I give you the power to do the killing, and trust you won’t kill me,” Silly Stacy. That would only work with vampires. I took the blade anyway. “Thanks.. I guess Sharpay Evans was really ambitious, and Gabriella Montez was a boring preppie..” Stacy smiled graciously, and walked away with her binder filled with tabs and various Muji pens. I felt.. something like respect?
[A/N: Oh my God… I’m so good at developing drama and creating character growth…!]
As Avocado Statue and I held hands, an acoustic version of “Girlfriend” by April Lavigne played in my head. We made out. It was hot.
“But I have to go back to AQ.. what obscure statue would SFU students laugh at? They need me.” I caressed his beautiful, round face, which reflected mine.
“I don’t know, maybe you could sit next to me…. haha, just kidding!” I shrugged, hoping to capture his attention. “Unless…?”
“I would do anything for you, my queen…” Avocado Statue said. And I knew that there’d be many more days like this in store for one Kathearrynne Targaryen Dark Ash Snow Ketchum. But Satan damn it, I was ready to take it all!
~~~~~ The End ~~~~~
Epilogue/Final Author’s Note:
Kathearrynne would go on browsing majors for a year and a half. Avocado Statue would inspire several essays on the sexual gaze he was subjected to for several years. And Stacy? Well, she’s doing community theatre.
And that’s all, folks! I was underappreciated in my prime, but that didn’t stop me from providing you the most thrilling thing you’ve read in ages. The fan letters can continue though. No hate or you’ll be subjected to all six seasons of Glee, including the episodes where they turn into Muppets.
