Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor
Aries — March 21–April 19
Stop it with the selfishness this week. Make some sacrifices. Like becoming a ritual sacrifice to the dark entity slumbering inside Forum Chambers. Your bone marrow will feed the infernal piano as it plays autonomous covers of the Puella Magi Madoka Magica opening theme in the middle of the night.
Taurus — April 20–May 20
The deep red ink plastering your graded assignments may trigger your dissociative scholar-rage episodes this week. But you must control yourself. You’ve had those assignments back for three weeks now and your TA has already forgotten what your footnotes smell like.
Gemini — May 21–June 20
You have too many responsibilities. No more freaking out, though. Just get under a guillotine and cleave yourself in half. The two halves might regenerate like starfish and delegate the tasks between themselves. Or you might need immediate medical care. But at least your stunting will get you TikTok famous.
Cancer — June 21–July 22
You may feel unsettled lately by vague premonitions of being seasoned, cooked, and eaten alive by a thesis supervisor (yours or your insufferable overachiever friend’s). Dreamwalk your spirit into the depths of the Pacific Ocean. There you will finally find lasting personal calm. And questionable paralytic shellfish poisoning.
Leo — July 23–August 22
A greedy uncle may plot to kill your father this week. Exile yourself into the wild to find clarity. Age gracefully. Then come home and overthrow him and his hyena henchmen. Or stop mentally writing The Lion King self-insert fanfiction and pick up that work shift that you’re too poverty-stricken to actually refuse to cover.
Virgo — August 23–September 22
You may be fed up with all your professor’s bizarre teachings, easily disproven claims, and fixations on Russian communist painters from the Mesozoic era. Tell him that his doctorate is as illegitimate as abstinence-only sex education.
Libra — September 23–October 22
Embrace the epiphanies that come to you this week as you shop for responsibly priced pears. What has a greater weight, you may ask yourself, this bag of fruit? Or the participation marks for the Canvas posting I’m skipping out on tonight so I can go extreme couponing with the boys?
Scorpio — October 23–November 21
What a beautiful week to transform into a Mesopotamian goddess’s monster servant and gobble up a wealthy corporation. Take care to poison your prey before you punish them for lying to you about the discount prices on the sale items at The Bay.
Sagittarius — November 22–December 21
You may receive yet another condescending Facebook tag notification from a relative who disapproves of your lifestyle. Comment back that you stand in solidarity with Susan Pevensie of the Chronicles of Narnia and her affection for “nylons, lipsticks, and invitations,” even if white-picket families of the 1950s don’t.
Capricorn — December 22–January 19
You achieved pseudo-divinity when you got rich enough to shotgun Grey Goose vodkas on Saturday nights at UBC frat houses. But you’ll be confronted by more nonbelievers this week. However, fret not. They will religiously syncretize you with one of their own false gods: the on-and-off Krispy Kreme fundraising table in the AQ.
Aquarius — January 20–February 18
Go to tutorial bearing a kindly London Fog for your least favourite classmate. First they will be disoriented by your generosity. Then they will live in terror for the next few days of what your true plans for their soul are. Finally they will understand the true trap: they, like you, have become a prisoner to their own irrational anxieties.
Pisces — February 19–March 20
Your project partner for your class is becoming a true headache. But stop and consider whether or not the annoying one is actually you. Remember how Olympic synchronized diver Blake Aldridge threw his diving partner, Tom Daley, under the bus to the media in 2008 when the Beijing games didn’t go their way? Do you also remember how Daley is today a beloved public figure while Aldridge became . . . who again? Yeah . . . be a Daley this week, not an Aldridge.