Secret SFU campus found beneath Burnaby Mountain exclusively for left-handed students

By: Vincent Justin Mitra, Peak Associate

Construction workers were shocked late last week when they accidentally uncovered a hidden subterranean campus exclusively for left-handed students.

This campus, named the SFU South campus according to signage, is reportedly home to several left-handed advancements and conveniences that would be unimaginable at the more public SFU branches. Some of these amenities include moving walkways, a trampoline gym, free valet parking, and left-handed two-for-one vending machines.

A team of students who chose to explore the hidden campus reported that the walls were decorated with fine art and sculptures “like some museum,” and that the air smelled of peppermint “like Santa’s armpits.”

Further exploration revealed that the secret campus had a wider food selection — even including a private McDonald’s with a full all-day breakfast menu, year-round McRibs and other seasonal items, and boxes upon boxes of that Happy Meal toy you always wanted as a kid but was always out of stock.

The layout of the underground campus was reportedly very similar to that of the aboveground campus but “like, much nicer.”

“It was nuts,” said one explorer. “It was like I was where I was, but I wasn’t.”

The classrooms, for example, were furnished with soft padded seats that would charge your phone as you sat, and there were left-handed tables with cup holders. Rather than whiteboards or chalkboards, large panes of glass “like the ones in those cop shows” were suspended from the ceiling on gossamer thread and were written on with left-handed markers that never dried out.

Other notable differences reported by the explorers included additional services and amenities like room-to-room food delivery, a functional pub, left-handed people who operated club tables without running up to you and making things super awkward, and hanging televisions which did not display notices and info but instead played episodes of Game of Thrones a week in advance.

As the explorers ventured further they claimed that they started to feel a great discomfort within them “like needing to fart during a funeral.” They said that they knew they did not belong there, walking the gilded halls of a secret campus. They turned, despite not having been detected, and began walking back toward the right-handed ropes they climbed down on, though now with the added weight of shame “like someone who farted during a funeral.”

Before ascending to return to the comparatively grey and boring surface world, one explorer quickly reached out their right hand to a notice board and pulled off a flyer as a souvenir. It came off smoothly and without any tears or rips. The explorer folded the paper and placed it in their pocket.

When the explorer arrived at the top of the rope, they reached for the flyer and was relieved to find it had not vanished like the hole they had climbed out of only seconds ago. Unfolding the paper the explorer was surprised that it was not creased and looked as smooth as when it was pulled from the board. It was a notice, and bore both the TransLink logo and the secret sigil of SFU South at the top of the page. Further down, the notice simply read:

Gondola construction delayed again.