Woohoo: Mike’s Hard Lemonade
Ahh, the sweet bliss of lemon-flavoured sugar. It reminds you of your beloved Gran, since it tastes like all those microscopic lemon drops she’d always be giving you, and also because of Gran’s drunken escapades at family reunions. (You always felt like you were the most like her. What a perfect woman.)
Mike’s Hard Lemonade is truly a revolutionary drink, blossoming the romance between sugar and vodka. The two commingle in the most obscene and grotesquely erotic way that you’d never admit to enjoying. It goes down easy and lets you get down easy on the dance floor. It coats all your regrets in that sweet, un-opposing artificial lemon flavor that you’ll get to enjoy again while puking it out the next morning. Was that a hint of lime?
Boohoo: Mike’s “hard lemonade”
He sits across from you in a dimly lit and stale-smelling bar, drenched in the meat sweats and masculinity complexes. He offers you his “hard lemonade” when really, at best, that shit is barely zinc on the Mohs scale of hardness. You decide to bite, though, since nothing could be as sour as the acidic self-loathing you’re already full of.
You two commingle the most obscene and grotesquely erotic way which you’re already working on suppressing the memory of. You’ve made mistakes before — but this may just be your masterpiece, and you’re actually kind of proud of yourself in a twisted way. As you desperately search the floor for your clothes, hoping they didn’t find their way into the pile of old Doritos and crusty socks, you feel like you deserve a Mike’s harder punch in the mango for the sins you have committed.