HUMOUR: Ordinary life getting you down? Try living in colour

Image by Lisa Dimyadi

Are you tired of being overwhelmed by the most basic of daily actions and activities? Constantly afraid that behind every closed cupboard door, a tower of disorganized Tupperware is just waiting to tumble out? Sick of being asked rhetorical questions that you can’t respond to, even when the answer should be glaringly obvious? Then you need to try living in colour!

That’s right, living in colour. No more residing in the era of only shades of black and white. With our revolutionary new approach to daily living, you can get back to the important things in life — like interacting with Tupperware when it’s not toppling on your face.

Research has shown that nearly 95 per cent of bumbling, uncoordinated behaviour occurs solely in the lives of people still living in black and white. That means it’s highly probable you weren’t just an inept idiot all along, but really you’ve just been living in the before part of your before-and-after story. This could be the change that changes everything.

Thanks to a series of environment-controlled simulations, our As Seen On TV scientific division found that when a person performs a daily task in black and white, the lack of colour molecules makes everything at least three times as difficult. Gravity is affected, making ordinary objects seem significantly heavier; hand-eye coordination suffers, due to cone inactivity in your eye. Can we without a doubt conclude this is what’s actually happening? Not really. But can you without a doubt conclude this is what’s not happening? Let’s leave this one to the scientists, folks.

Our patented secret behind colour’s design lets your reds shine red, your blues shine blue, and makes your body physically incapable of doing that frustrated head shake. You know, the one where you put both hands on your hips while shaking your head disapprovingly? When was the last time you saw a frustrated person in-colour? Let me answer that last question for you: never.

Still not convinced that colour living is different than all those other phony miracle products? Check out this real-life testimonial from one of our real-life customers:

“I used to live my life completely colourless — if you could call it living. Then I tried doing all of the same things I’d already been doing, but in colour, and everything changed. It’s like someone flipped a switch, and suddenly the most mundane of tasks don’t seem unattainable. Once you give up living in only shades of black, you’ll never go back.”

Most television sets stopped displaying in black and white back in 1965, so why should your life be any different? Try living in colour today and see what it’s like to not be a total failure in everything you do.