HUMOUR: Donald Trump’s new one-percenter Platinum Key Society coming to SFU

Illustration by Konstantin Rabinovich

As a man of great wisdom and compassion, United States presidential candidate Donald Trump has chosen to extend his generosity to one of the most neglected minority populations at SFU: students with marks within the top one per cent of their program.

“I’ve seen the very best academic performers force themselves to accommodate the needs of others,” said Trump during a press conference earlier this week. “Winners shouldn’t have to hide how superior they are to other people. As a fellow handsome and smart one-percenter, the idea of exhibiting humility literally feels like being locked up in prison.

“Winners are who we are and we shouldn’t have to hide it.”

Starting in Spring 2016, future president of the United States Mr. Trump will be sponsoring a new affiliate with the university: the SFU Platinum Key Society.

“Sharing an elite society with the top two to 15 per cent is practically a human rights violation; being treated the same as someone in the top 15 per cent when you’re actually in the top one per cent is the worst kind of discrimination that exists. When you’re just better than everyone else, you deserve to flaunt your greatness. That’s what this society should be about.”

The Platinum Key Society will not provide any of the services that the similarly-named Golden Key Society offers, such as workshops, networking opportunities, and scholarships for their members.  Instead, the Platinum Key Society will be hosting lavish banquets, erecting status of themselves at all of SFU’s campuses, and paying for increased awareness of how amazing the one per cent is by purchasing advertising space on campus through The Peak newspaper, bus benches, and in the gymnasium.

Students are also being told to expect pro-Platinum Key messages popping up in the sky, as skywriting is a very practical form of communication amongst the wealthy.

The requirements for any individual looking to join this exclusive society are to be in the top one per cent of their program and pay a one-time fee of $10,000. There is also an option for those outside of the academic one per cent to join this society that involves paying that same fee, but on a monthly basis. Trump justified this option, claiming that, “being rich is the same as being smart. That’s why I’m one of the smartest people on this planet.”

The society is currently awaiting approval from SFU president Andrew Petter, and will be decided upon before the winter break. However, Mr. Trump is confident that everything will go according to plan, because if the university to going to allow an elitist special society to pander to the top 15 per cent of SFU students, what’s wrong with having another elitist special society?