Welcome to 2015, or as it’s known in Chinese mythology, the year of the sheep. According to predictions, the next six months will see a lot of carry-over conflict from the year of the horse, but afterwards things will be more relaxed than they were in 2014. But with the new lunar New Year already underway, I’m going to say what everyone else has already been thinking: the Chinese zodiac is long overdue for a reboot.
My first argument: it’s 2015. Everything’s getting a reboot these days. The Odd Couple just got rebooted; despite no one ever asking for one. Annie got a cringe-tastic reboot last year, and even Reboot’s slated for a reboot in the to-be-determined future. We need to board this buzz train before it leaves the station, folks.
Now, I’m sure some of you are thinking, “Why would we want to reboot the Chinese zodiac? It’s been working out just fine.” But let me ask you this: when was the last time you saw a pig that wasn’t paired with some scrambled eggs and toast? How long has it been since you actually saw an ox or a dragon? They’re archaic symbols that are out of place in a post-modern world. Selfie sticks, listicles, and arm-flexing emojis: these are what the new generation is known for, and they should be represented in the Chinese zodiac.
I’ve even gone ahead and constructed a whole new Chinese zodiac 2.0, complete with what your old sign was, what it’s been replaced with, and what that symbol says about you. It’s time to say goodbye to the year of the sheep and hello to the year of the cupcake-flavoured vodka.
If you were a rooster, now you’re an arm-flexing emoji
The bad boys and girls of the Chinese zodiac, arm-flexing emojis are proud, painfully honest, and meticulous when it comes to details. Even though some people find you a bit obnoxious, it just makes them like you even more.
If you were a pig, now you’re a package of reduced-fat turkey bacon
Packages of reduced-fat turkey bacon are the nicest people around. They’re loyal to their friends, have genuine intentions, and are always willing to lend a hand. They also make for the perfect breakfast companion, if that’s up your alley.
If you were a monkey, now you’re a viral video
Eager to try anything at least once, viral videos are known to be the imitators of the zodiac and will take anyone’s original ideas and try to make it their own. Viral videos are also increasingly innovative, but less trustworthy than most.
If you were a tiger, now you’re a Miley Cyrus
Romantic and unpredictable, Miley Cyruses can be as charismatic as they are moody. They’re also fiercely independent, while still being possessive of others. Make sure you’re on your toes whenever in the company of a Miley Cyrus.
If you were a dragon, now you’re a DVD copy of The Avengers
Aside from some gnarly end-of-the-world parties, nothing says 2012 like the DVD release date of Marvel’s super box office hit The Avengers. Just like dragons, DVD copies of The Avengers are lucky, self-assured, are known to take risks, and are guaranteed to make, like, waaaay too much money.
If you were a sheep, now you’re a bottle of cupcake-flavoured vodka
Gentle and sweet, bottles of cupcake-flavoured vodka have trouble mediating conflicts, but they’ll be your best friend when life gets you down. They get along best with teenagers with an unlimited data plan and Miley Cyruses.
If you were a rat, now you’re a procedural cop drama
Incessantly popular and financially sound, procedural cop dramas will never disappoint but will usually fail to bring anything new to a situation. While sometimes they get hung up on the details, this isn’t always a bad thing.
If you were a horse, now you’re a teenager with an unlimited data plan
If a teenager with an unlimited data plan had to be summed up in a single word, it would be “freedom.” While sometimes a show-off and headstrong, this only complements their desire to be free and independent — even though they’re more reliant on others than they like to admit.
If you were an ox, now you’re an identity thief
Hard-working and methodical by nature, you can count on an identity thief to get the job done. Make sure to never lie to or go back on something you’ve promised an identity thief, as they’re known to be vindictive if ever wronged.
If you were a rabbit, now you’re a selfie stick
Selfie sticks, while often criticized for fast-tracking business ventures and sometimes being a total trainwreck, can bounce back from criticism easily and be all the better for it.
If you were a snake, now you’re a BuzzFeed listicle
Wise beyond their years, BuzzFeed listicles are more philosophical than most and are quick to adapt to most situations. They are the go-to advice-givers of the Chinese zodiac, so if you’re ever uncertain about something, seek out a BuzzFeed listicle.
If you were a dog, now you’re a Shoppers Optimum Reward Program
If there’s one thing Shoppers Optimum Reward Programs are known for, it’s loyalty. They’re dutiful, compromising, and will give you unconditional love and support. Everyone loves a Reward Program.