After months of rampant speculation and backroom meetings, area cat Whiskers has confirmed that she is sick of her human treating her toilet as if it’s a litter box.
“Enough is enough,” Whiskers declared at a press conference, held yesterday sometime between her early mid-morning nap and her late mid-morning doze. “If Jim can’t remember where he’s supposed to take care of his business, then I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.
“If I catch him pissing on my good toilet one more time [. . .] I’m so mad, I can’t even think straight right now.”
Whiskers has confirmed that the Jim she’s referring to is the same human she acquired through a Craigslist posting in August. Following a then-recent breakup, Whiskers had been looking for something to help fill the void and came across Jim’s photo in a posting.
“I’ll be the first to admit that I should have done more research on humans and then made an informed decision on if they were right for me,” said Whiskers. “Other cats always tell you about how great it is having a human around the house, but they never tell you about all of the incessant ‘accidents’ that happen when you’re not around.”
Though Jim’s previous cat told Whiskers that he was well-behaved and fully trained on how to use the litter box, Whiskers was almost immediately disappointed to find Jim going to the bathroom in the bathroom.
Whiskers explained: “I’ve tried everything to get him to stop. I’ve tried following him into the bathroom and eyeing him while he goes; I’ve tried meowing loudly whenever my food dish is even slightly empty; I’ve even tried falling asleep in a sun beam in the living room. Nothing seems to be getting his attention.”
When asked to make a statement, Jim would only tell press that Whiskers was “a pwetty kitty” and his “little snuggle monster,” but refused to comment on the toilet-related allegations being made against him. So far the claims have gone unconfirmed.
While Jim’s tenancy with Whiskers remains up in the air, it has been suggested that the Vancouver cat might be entertaining the idea of welcoming a female human into her household — though Whiskers is hesitant.
“I’m really more of a male human cat. I don’t think I’m home enough to give a female human all of the attention she would need. I hear they’re a lot of work.”
