SUSSEX — Shocking news coming out from the English royal household this morning as Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge —better known to the public as “Kate”— revealed the long awaited first child was in fact a nine-month hoax in order to cover up her 30 pound weight gain since marrying Prince William in 2011.
The general public are baffled as to how such a secret could have possibly been kept from the them for so long.
From various documents, it appears that all medical examinations and treatment went through one Dr. Marian Amsley the chief royal physician responsible for health of Kate and the baby. When contacted, Amsley was eager to detail the entire nine month ordeal.
“Look, I didn’t know to say . . . 9 months ago I was contacted by the royal family and told that the Duchess thought she was pregnant. I examined her and tried telling her otherwise but she was insistent.
“After the third month I just sort of went with it. If the Duchess of Cambridge says she’s pregnant, who was I to say otherwise.”
In an attempt to quell the rumors, the royal family made a rare televised statement on the BBC One, where Kate, standing beside William, explained the circumstances that led to the nearly year-long charade.
“When I married William two years ago, I knew that my life was going to be dramatically different afterward . . . I knew there would be no going back but I loved him, so we wed— but being a duchess is a fucking nightmare. ”
“Sorry, mum.” she added, giving a sideways glancing the Queen. She then returned to her media address.
“Did you know that being the Duchess of Cambridge isn’t just a title? I always thought it was just something you add onto the end of your name. That’s not true, I’m the head of the administrative, legislative judicial councils. If so much as a cloud appears over Cambridge, I get a 20-page report document detailing humidity index and wind speed on my desk stamped urgent.
“So I turned to food to cope. I figured, so what? If I helped myself to an extra blood pudding every now and again, or trifid crisp . . . ooh, or a nice bowlful of Whimpston’s Oggly-podge.
“Married people let themselves go all the time but the turning point had to be when The Sun noticed and smeared their front page “KATE’S BABY BULGE??”, pictures on Page 2’ . . . goddammit I was right pissed.
“So I went with it. I told William and he thought it was hilarious. He’s always hated the paparazzi anyway and we figured it’d be a good way to give the fuckers what they deserve . . . again, sorry mum.”
Closing in a show of humility, Middleton bowed her head asked the people of the Commonwealth for their forgiveness toward the deception and promised to start hitting the elliptical tomorrow morning.
Note: If Kate’s had her “baby” by the time you read this, don’t be fooled!