Horoscopes
Your weekly SFU horoscopes: July 27–August 2
July 29, 2020Written by Paige Riding, News Writer Aries: In life, we have choices. Chrome or Firefox. Tea or coffee. Ketchup or mustard. In your case, if given the choice this week between hanging out with a Capricorn or anything else, I would suggest a relaxing game of squirting lemon juice in a brand-new paper cut. Taurus: How far down the YouTube rabbit hole will you journey this week? Will you land on how-to videos about miniature garbage cans? ASMR videos of dogs eating watermelon? Blackhead extraction videos in a language you don’t speak? Who cares? Your brain is vegetating and your…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: July 20–26
July 20, 2020Written by Paige Riding, News Writer Aries: As the first sign of the Zodiac, you really prove that the old saying “first the worst, second the best” is true. When you’re not busy victimizing yourself, you’re bullying others around you.…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: July 13–19
July 13, 2020Written by Paige Riding, News Writer Aries: This week, try stretching your body each morning. Sure, stretching has countless health benefits, but I’m mostly telling you to do this because you only ever stretch yourself thin figuratively. Help your hamstrings. Taurus:…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: July 6–12
July 6, 2020Written by Paige Riding, News Writer Aries: How are you coping without waiting ridiculous amounts of time in the West Mall Tim Hortons line for a mediocre coffee and pastry? There was just something special about staring at your phone…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: June 29–July 5
June 30, 2020Written by Paige Riding, News Writer Aries: How many tabs does your computer have open? Does it feel like your brain has just as much running at once and you’re feeling overwhelmed? Remember to calm your mind and close some…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: June 22–28
June 22, 2020Written by Paige Riding, News Writer Aries: You’re like the sticker on a window warning about the installed security system inside. Sure, you’re intimidating and all, but that “more bark than bite” cliché resonates more loudly than the alarm that…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: June 15–21
June 15, 2020Written by Paige Riding, News Writer Aries: This week may be stressful for you, Aries. Try meditating now so that later you can really enunciate your not-so-passive aggressive comments. Better yet, try slam poetry. Your yelling will go over great…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: June 8–14
June 9, 2020By: Paige Riding, News Writer Aries: What is with your urge to fight everyone around you? Sure, you’re the shark in an ocean of guppies and all, but don’t forget the Finding Nemo mantra: fish are friends, not food. I…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: June 1–7
June 3, 2020Written by Paige Riding, News Writer Aries: You’ve always been annoyed by unoriginal people. You’re just so sick of Instagram users screenshotting tweets and reposting them. Just like Twitter, you did it first. You are the first sign in the…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: May 25–31
May 25, 2020By: Paige Riding, News Writer Aries: You’re en route to make a better comeback than all the ice cream trucks randomly reappearing. Like a phoenix, you continue rising from the ashes. But why did you set that ice cream truck and…
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