Written by Paige Riding, News Writer
Aries: This week may be stressful for you, Aries. Try meditating now so that later you can really enunciate your not-so-passive aggressive comments. Better yet, try slam poetry. Your yelling will go over great with audiences around the world.
Taurus: Feeling overwhelmed? Try recreating a sensory deprivation tank in the comfort of your own home. You will need: a plastic bin, its lid, a straw to breathe through, and a whole lot of flexibility. Or you can just close your eyes and picture the warm embrace of the void. Either works.
Gemini: Try your hand at resin crafts this week. You can encase everything in that stuff! Flowers, trinkets, the last scrap of patience you have for people who say that having to wear a mask in Costco is a violation of their human rights, glitters, jewels . . .
Cancer: You may feel guilty about that one person you ghosted. Hey, just remember that when Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Clyde from Pac-Man let themselves be vulnerable in frightened mode, they attract those around them. You just have to let your guard down and open your heart.
Leo: This week, go out and buy yourself an inflatable pool and fill it with liquid silicone. You’ll get a mold of your outline — your favourite work of art— that can be used over and over again.
Virgo: How’s that journaling going? Did you write three entries, each lazier than the one before, and then give up for three months only to find that journal and guilt yourself into writing in it again? But you don’t really need to journal your day — you overthink every micro detail before bed.
Libra: Are you sick of Disney remaking all your childhood favourites? In defiance, do you try watching one of the classic cartoons only to realize how problematic they all are? I guess all that you can really do is what you always do: watch one of each, balancing the inner child and politically correct sides of you.
Scorpio: Jumping to conclusions again? I would say to give others a chance before judging their fate, but you would assume I’m out to get you if I said that. So I’ll just tell you to prepare the ice pack for when you jump and inevitably hurt your ankle, instead.
Sagittarius: That one song that keeps getting stuck in your head is there for a reason. It could be a subconscious message, a nostalgic memory, or it could just be annoying. As you sing the same lyric on repeat out loud, before you get irritated, think about the people around you stuck listening to you.
Capricorn: This week, revisit the abandoned projects you’ve started. I’m not telling you to finish them; you’re far too busy for that. But just looking at the foundations you’ve built might add some stability to your precarious feeling of moving up in this economy.
Aquarius: Buy yourself a new plant this week. You’re used to caring for your entire friend group all the time, and now that you’re all apart, it’s tough on you. It’ll be like the old days where you’d have to remind them all to drink water and get some sun every once in a while.
Pisces: You’re the Eevee of the Zodiac. Everyone wants you to change into something else, but in reality, you’re an adorable member of the team just the way you are. Even if your strongest move is Double-Edge, an attack that hurts you when used, too. You’re just sensitive like that.