Written by Paige Riding, News Writer
Aries: How are you coping without waiting ridiculous amounts of time in the West Mall Tim Hortons line for a mediocre coffee and pastry? There was just something special about staring at your phone awkwardly while you shuffled forward like a caffeine-deprived penguin. Simpler times.
Taurus: Listen to your gut this week, Taurus. No, I’m not going to jump on the “eat something when your stomach growls” joke exploiting a stereotype about your sign. I’m telling you to dump your friends who are silent about the Black Lives Matter movement because they “don’t want to get political.”
Gemini: Did your friend just text you back in a slightly different tone than usual? What will you do? Leap to the conclusion that they’re sick of you and you’re annoying them by talking to them? Ask if they hate you? Post on your private story about it? Think of the possibilities!
Cancer: It’s your season, Cancer. Take this time to make overly emotional decisions that will haunt you for weeks and weeks to come with confidence. Who needs logic during hot girl summer, anyway?
Leo: Who do you have on your Close Friends list on Instagram? Your best friends? Cousins? That one person you met in line at a club washroom who became your other half while both of you were drunk as hell? They mean a lot to you, too.
Virgo: I know the red zigzag line under words really piss you off as you write. You’re trying to get your thoughts down before you forget them. Definately gets the point across, OK? Defiantely? Definitily? Anyway, you’re too busy being profound to care.
Libra: This week when you go grocery shopping, give the bruised bananas a chance. Your pride is still bruised from the time you couldn’t get your friends to all agree on your movie pick for the Netflix Party, but they didn’t leave you behind, did they?
Scorpio: How many times will you replay that song you’re currently obsessed with? Will it be like last time where you played it so many times that hearing the first notes of it now make you physically ill? Or will you learn from a completely avoidable error from the past for once?
Sagittarius: Netflix is finally adding Studio Ghibli films for its Canadian subscribers! What does this mean for you? You can ask that special someone to have a Netflix Party date. Either they’ll say yes and you’ll have a great time, or you’ll know it won’t work out if they don’t know what Studio Ghibli means. Win-win.
Capricorn: Your Notes app is full of lists you make in desperate moments of trying to appear put together. This week, take a look over them all, still do nothing on said lists, and then compile a master list of “bruh” moments you’ve had since your last spark of motivation four years ago.
Aquarius: Were you the one who loved One Direction back in 2013, or did you make it your personal vendetta to vocalize how much you despised their music? If you were the former, you’re now a sad Harry Styles stan. The latter just makes you sad with bad taste.
Pisces: This week, buy a shiny new pair of overpriced sunglasses. It’ll be a nice change from the rose-coloured shades you put on any time someone you desperately want to like shows red flags.