Written by Paige Riding, News Writer
Aries: This week, try stretching your body each morning. Sure, stretching has countless health benefits, but I’m mostly telling you to do this because you only ever stretch yourself thin figuratively. Help your hamstrings.
Taurus: Don’t forget to wear sunscreen this summer. I know it leaves your skin feeling oily, but nothing is more painful than damaged skin, except the hurt you feel from Pokémon not announcing a Sinnoh remake this year.
Gemini: This week, try revamping that old t-shirt chilling in the back of your closet. Tie-dye? Too messy. Purposeful tearing or chopping? Too dangerous. An accidental soup staining? Tasteful. Innovative. Brilliant.
Cancer: Try drinking more lemon water this week, Cancer. It’s cloudy and leaves a sour taste in everyone’s mouth. Just like your sense of judgment.
Leo: If you’re touch-starved this week, just spend your time waiting for your leftovers right in front of the microwave. You’ll get a warm, fuzzy feeling inside as the radiation reaches your heart faster than any significant other ever could.
Virgo: This week, buy a Roomba. Your home will feel tidy, just how you like it. And even if the worst case scenario happens and the vacuum becomes self-aware, at least you’ll have a friend who actually knows how to pick up after itself.
Libra: When’s the last time you read for fun? Are all the young-adult books tastefully broken up by a few classics on your bookshelf getting dusty? It’s alright. You can read two pages of a class’s reading and call it a day. Maybe just dust off the Suzanne Collins for your own health.
Scorpio: When you zone out during your online lectures this week, try shifting your focus from your phone to the amount of dust on your keyboard. It wastes just as much time and makes you just as uncomfortable. But you’re your computer’s only subscriber, and it’s lonely.
Sagittarius: This week, try reading under a tree. You’re used to being a victim of things throwing shade. Grow up and turn it around to benefit you, just like grown-ups commodify every other life experience.
Capricorn: Why do people try calling you after you text them? You have places to go, people to see, the self-esteems of some water signs to destroy. It ain’t much, but it’s honest work.
Aquarius: What summer fashion trends are you rocking this year? I bet a practical yet stylish pair of pale Vans would look great with your constant scowl.
Pisces: If you still have it, go listen to your old music player from when you were younger. Replaying the classics from middle school will give you the best of both worlds: a recollection of every single embarrassing thing you said or did at that time and the exhausting cynicism you have today.