Written by Paige Riding, News Writer
Aries: You’re like the sticker on a window warning about the installed security system inside. Sure, you’re intimidating and all, but that “more bark than bite” cliché resonates more loudly than the alarm that will start ringing despite your tough-looking façade.
Taurus: You may know where your childhood stuffies and toys went, but do you ever wonder what happened to your favourite childhood dishes? That Elmo plastic plate was there for you from the start. And what did you do? You let it slip away after hucking Cheerios everywhere. Typical Taurus.
Gemini: You may find yourself wanting to unfollow a high school friend from whatever social media piques your short attention span at the moment. As Marie Kondo iconically says, “if it doesn’t spark joy, throw it out.” Harsh? Maybe. But you did agree with me for a minute there.
Cancer: Be gentle with yourself as you perform your unhealthy habits this week. Reading conspiracy theories off your phone until 4 a.m.? Turn on night shift for the sake of your eyes. Procrastinating doing your school assignment? Do some deep breathing to curb that growing feeling of despair Canvas gives you whenever you look at it.
Leo: This week, unbury one of your childhood teen idol posters and hang it back on the wall. You tell yourself you took it down because you aren’t into that band anymore, but we all know you were just jealous of people looking at it instead of you when they walked into your room.
Virgo: You still can’t get over how hard the extroverts around you were hit from social distancing. In all honesty, there wasn’t much of a difference at all for you. Okay, well, you can’t complain to yourself about the ridiculous AQ foot traffic, but other than that, not much changed.
Libra: For the egalitarian of the Zodiac, you sure self-pity a lot. How does it feel blaming the world for not giving extra love to you, despite thinking that everyone should get an equal amount of love from said world?
Scorpio: There will always be people better than you and worse than you at all that you do. Well, in your case, Scorpio, it would be interesting to find someone better at suppressing their concerns around what someone said to you. It’s a talent of yours, being so mysterious.
Sagittarius: Make this a week of pondering. Do you think British people randomly start using Canadian or American accents like some North Americans use British ones? What do you think is at the bottom of the sea that’s only 5% explored? Do you think dogs dream about us? Why did you choose to go to SFU?
Capricorn: If you don’t have one already, consider getting a sturdy phone case this week. I’m just not sure your current flimsy one can handle you throwing your phone at the wall when you see updates about the horrible state of the world.
Aquarius: This week, I challenge you to start a project at an appropriate time. Consider starting that class paper prior to the night before it’s due. Maybe clean your room before your manic yet euphoric energy burst at 2:31 in the morning. Take responsibility for your actions before they hurt you or someone else.
Pisces: There’s nothing more bonding for you than finding someone who shares the same obscure, middle school-age interest that you had. Let’s be honest, you still have it. You just refrain from speaking about it until there is someone else to carry the burden of embarrassing nostalgia with you.