Written by Paige Riding, News Writer

Aries: How many tabs does your computer have open? Does it feel like your brain has just as much running at once and you’re feeling overwhelmed? Remember to calm your mind and close some of those tabs draining you of your energy. Just, uh, don’t close the breathing one. That would be bad.

Taurus: Write your own one-person show this week. I’m talking theatrics, musical numbers, emotion, the works. You’ll become part of something bigger than yourself while safely inside. Your two IG live viewers will love it while they watch Netflix and have you on mute.

Gemini: As you’re reading this, check the tension in your body. Is your tongue on the roof of your mouth? Are you hunched over? Is your jaw clenched? Maybe you just have a tension headache from these bitches testing your patience.

Cancer: You may be wondering how January through March felt like five years and June felt like it lasted five minutes. Were you super busy? Did you spend a bunch of it doing schoolwork? Or did you retreat into your Jungian shadow this whole past month to protect yourself?

Leo: If you’re nervous about a presentation or discussion over Zoom this week, just remember that nobody will pay much attention anyway, probably not even you. You’ll be too busy perfecting your face angles on camera.

Virgo: Have you lost friends over them being punished by the universe for not following your advice? As a mutable sign, some may mistake your adaptive problem-solving for you not being fully reliable. See where it gets them? So why do you doubt yourself?

Libra: Save time by not proofreading your Canvas discussion this week. Saying “introspectino” and “perspectibe” will hardly take away from the fact that you didn’t really know what you were saying in the first place, but wanted to sound clever anyway with your $5 words.

Scorpio: Why can you never plug in a USB cord the right way the first time, causing you to flip it four times? As though your whole life weren’t always flipped upside down by your changing energies. Sometimes you’re quiet and calm, next you’re utterly chaotic. What’ll it be this week?

Sagittarius: This week, you just need to spit out what’s been on your mind already. The mental capacity the thought takes far outweighs the sinking feeling in your chest you’ll feel when you ruin something good in your life — and inevitably you will, so . . . 

Capricorn: Keep rolling your eyes during Zoom calls while someone asks an apparently obvious question, and you’ll give yourself a bigger headache than your TA’s already given you by ignoring you for five days.

Aquarius: Fall enrollment starts next week. Can you believe that? You were just getting a small grasp on your current situation and the world is presenting a new chapter already. All you can do is take the days as they come. In your case, that just involves you spending the present worrying about wrongs of the past.

Pisces: When will those around you stop contacting you at ridiculous hours asking for your help? This week, establish office hours. That way, your free therapy sessions will be organized so you can use up all your emotional capacity Monday to Friday, 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. only. You know how not to strain yourself.