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A leaked conversation with SFU’s new chatbot — Cloud

HumourTop Humour

Need an extension? Fear not because your trusty friend Cloud bot is here to help

Peak Web
Peak Web
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ILLUSTRATION: Jackie Peng / The Peak

By: Marie Jen Galilo, Cloud Bot Server

Student: Greetings, Cloud. I need your help with an urgent matter. 

Cloud: [Unstable connection. Reconnected]

Student: I have no time for your cheap AI antics right now. I’m dealing with an urgent matter concerning literary intellect — something a lowly bot like you wouldn’t understand.  

Cloud: Understood.

Student: I’m running on 2 hours of sleep after cramming for back-to-back exams, and I have an essay due at 11:59 p.m. I’d blame the universe for this, but . . . I also completely forgot that this essay existed. I’m feeling absolutely terrible right now because I do this every single semester. Am I . . . a bad student?

Cloud: Yes. 

Student: ?!? I thought AI was supposed to flatter humans?

Cloud: LOL.

Student: Are you messing with me?

Cloud: Ask again. 

Student: You’re slightly pissing me off, but I’ll just let this slide because I need to prioritize my battles right now. I just received a lengthy Outlook email from SFU IT saying that we shouldn’t email profs directly because you’re now the liaison between students and profs. 

Cloud: cool. 

Student: Yes — write me a 1,500 word essay on Hamlet, but don’t add any em dashes or fancy words, and sprinkle in a typo or two so that my prof, Dr. Speare doesn’t accuse me of using AI. And ask the prof for an extension while you’re working on it  . . .  because it’s already two days late. 

Cloud: ‘Tis I. 

Student: You’re not the prof. You’re Cloud!

Cloud: [Network connection lost. Attempting to reconnect] Identity crisis.

Student: That’s actually so relatable, I was having one too this morning. We’re literally twins — except . . . you’re a bot, so I shouldn’t be relating to you.

Cloud: [Reconnected with unstable connection] 

Cloud: Hamlet written by Shakespeare is —  

Student: Why’d you stop?!?

Cloud: Answers limited. Five words max. 

Student: I thought that AI had all the answers to the universe in the palm of their hands — except, I guess you don’t have hands . . . 

Cloud: Under five words for premium only.

Student: So what should I do, then???

Student: Please sacrifice 500 litres of water for guidance. I’m thirsty.

 

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society