SFUtile Facts
By: C Icart, Humour Editor and Kaja Antic, Sports Writer
Questions
- What did staff find in the SFU Reflecting Pond when they cleaned it out in 2008?
- What was SFU’s first mascot?
- According to Wikipedia, what was the 22nd busiest airport in Canada by passenger traffic in 2024?
- What is former Canadian soccer team coach John Herdman’s signature coaching move?
- What is the one deadly thing you can take out of the Bennett Library?
- In 2012, Ljudmila Petrovic and David Dyck wrote about stuff they hated for The Peak. What were the two things they named?
- What Metro Vancouver golf course is the former site of a popular racetrack?
- What is the name of the song the following lyrics belong to? “Payless is where you start / you pass a bench where old men fart / just walk inside and take a chance / there’s five stores there for plus sized pants.”
- Also in 2012 (don’t ask, just get on the throwback express bus I’m driving right now), the BC Liberals launched an ad campaign that oozed “stop buying avocado toast if you want to buy a home” energy. What was their slogan?
Answers
- They found “two pairs of glasses, three hockey pucks, a hearing aid, a ‘really boring’ diary, two cellphones, a five-pin bowling ball, some liquor bottles and a sodden copy of the Thomas Hardy novel Tess Of The D’Urbervilles with an inscription that read: ‘She should have kicked him in the strawberries.’”
- The SFU gorilla. This unaffiliated mascot hyped up fans of the Clan for over a decade before McFogg hit the scene.
- Comox Valley.
- Using drones to spy on opponents.
- Asbestos.
- Drinking out of glass jars and people with two last names.
- Westwood Plateau. The Westwood Motorsport Park was Canada’s “first permanent, purpose-built road racing facility” and was open from 1959–90.
- Kingsgate Mall Tribute. A banger.
- “Hipster is not a real job.”
Pictionary with Stix the Burnt-Out Candle
By: Yildiz Subuk, Staff Writer
In his free time, to decompress for the capitalist machine, our favourite comic protagonist Stix the Burnt Out Candle likes to play a version of pictionary where he draws pictures, and has his friends guess the hidden messages. Can you guess what Stix is doing in these self portraits?
Answers
- Radicalizing the young
- Dreaming about a revolution
- Admiring his rake
- Writing a manifesto
- Raging against the machine
- Cutting a disappointing birthday cake
Trump loses historic match of geopolitical chess
By: Phone Min Thant, Staff Writer
Editor’s note: This article is rated “CIR” for Chess and International Relations enthusiasts. May contain references to your favourite or most disliked world leader. Knowledge of chessboard coordinates is encouraged. Reader discretion is advised.
Welcome to the White House Situation Room, the historical command center of US presidents and the brain behind their security agenda. Kennedy first used it during the Cuban Missile Crisis. Then Bush Jr. used it in 2003 when America decided to attack Iraq. Obama and his cabinet members used the room to watch the assassination of bin Laden.
Today, all the cabinet members have been called to an emergency meeting. No, it isn’t a nuclear armageddon or the bullying of some unfortunate nation. No such rational use of this important office today; instead, Donald Trump wanted to play chess in the Situation Room. “Not just any chess,” the ambitious president said, “but geopolitical chess.” A few decades ago, when he was an unassuming capitalist tycoon, he had claimed, “If I studied chess for a year or two, I would become a grandmaster.” No one believed him. Now that he’s the president, he’s back to prove this point. On Trump’s side stood his besties, the authoritarian strongmen (and Giorgia Meloni): Viktor Orbán, Narendra Modi, Vladimir Putin, Benjamin Netanyahu, Javier Milei, Kim Jong-Un — and Trump himself as the king piece. On the other side are those with whom he’s had a bone to pick since January 20. This so-called opposition ranged from Mexico’s President Claudia Sheinbaum to President Volodymyr Zelensky. Invited all the way from Ottawa, Prime Minister Mark Carney took charge of this side.
After Trump was promptly reminded he can’t move the king piece anywhere he likes, the match began. “Pawn to d6,” Trump opened. “Pawn to c3,” Carney responded. After much mindless pawn-moving, without much results, Trump called “bishop to e6.” Out came Putin, swerving pawns left and right, but instead of stopping at e6, he overreached into f5, poised to strike Zelensky — Carney’s knight piece. Macron, the queen piece, countered, moving to g4. “Bishop to g4,” Trump exclaimed. Fixated by the possibility of capturing Zelensky, Putin refused to move, urging Trump to move his queen piece, Netanyahu, to d6, but was unable to stop the expansionist man from capturing an unassuming pawn in d5.
“If I studied chess for a year or two, I would become a grandmaster,” said an unassuming capitalist tycoon a few decades before his foray into American politics. No one believed him. Now that he’s the president, he’s back to prove this point.
Out goes Putin, swiftly captured by Macron the queen. Trump, visibly shaken by the loss of his “genius,” wasted his turn threatening to impose tariffs on Carney and Sheinbaum. “Knight (Zelensky) to c3.” Before Trump could analyze the situation, Netanyahu’s queen piece had taken the slip to eliminate another innocent pawn in d4. Carney then moved his bishop — Ursula von der Leyen — to f4, a precautionary move without an intention to fight. Netanyahu, controlled by greed, occupied the empty queen spot in d1, attempting to check Carney’s king piece, a move immediately counteracted by its demise from Carney’s king.
In a matter of a few moves, Trump has lost his bishop and a queen. His cabinet got to work immediately, blaming Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) for plaguing the chessboard industry, wasting yet another crucial turn. Carney then set his sights on Modi’s knight — still remaining unmoving at b8 — by moving his own rook piece to a now-empty b1. In this turn, Trump notices one of his knights missing — Kim Jong-Un has lost interest in the game and has apparently gone back to test some new nuclear missiles back home.
Trump then abruptly stopped the game, not accepting defeat. “My chess skills are the best in the world — better than anyone in North America,” the president is reported to have said before storming out of the Situation Room. Netanyahu claimed victory after capturing two pawns in the match.
The next morning, Elon Musk posted on X that DOGE will be “dismantling and defunding” the US Chess Federation, and banning chess as a sport altogether. White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt announced that the US government will be expanding the tariffs on Canada and Mexico. The secretary of state Marco Rubio has refused to provide a statement to The Pawn regarding the applicability of Trump’s chess abilities to American foreign policy.
Introducing SFU faculty Pokémon cards
By: Phone Min Thant, Staff Writer
Did you know, raccoons aren’t the only critters roaming campus? Here are some of the Pokémon you will face as you wander the concrete halls of the mountain fortress — each belonging to one of SFU’s faculties.
Networkat
Beedie School of Business: Always dressed in a stylish suit and tie, the main ability of Networkat is obviously networking. Thriving not in combat but in talking with others, handing in resumes, and posting on LinkedIn, the Beedie Pokémon’s your greatest companion when you’ve a group presentation. Don’t be fooled by their Colorless type — it’s adept at cherry picking personalities from other Pokémon during networking. Their HP are relatively low, but if you train your Networkat enough, it can evolve into an accountant, a consultant, or a banker!
Scribrain
Faculty of arts and social sciences: Scribrain uses WRITING! It’s super effective — but it also takes away a huge chunk of their HP. Some say “the pen is mightier than the sword,” and Scribrain is a testament to this cliché, but with a lot of brain power drained in the process. The FASS Pokémon remains typeless — the faculty is just too huge for one classification! Their evolutionary future is uncertain, ranging from government workers to therapists, so choose your training-arc path well. Most of the time though, Scribrain can’t escape the multitude of training centers and battles — they fight a lot better with a Masters’, a PhD, and a lot of time and Pokémon Dollars spent.
Laborynth
Faculty of applied sciences: Laborynth is a tired Pokémon, probably the most trained and battle-weary on this list. After going to a few lower-division courses that take the entirety of its weekday schedule, our applied science Pokemon just needs rest and nourishment — be kind to them. While Laborynth possesses many abilities that will awe other Pokémon, their main ability is pulling all-nighters. It’s not a coincidence that they are Dark-type Pokémon; they need their caffeine for max HP to fight more battles, and to train and evolve. Due to repeated exposure to lab work, they are also immune to poisons. Train them well, collect all of them, and they will make good companions in your search for a new technology or a novel chemical compound.
Digispark
Faculty of communications, arts, and technology: Evermore reliant on a fast internet connection and constant power, Digispark is an Electric-type Pokemon. This type of Pokémon is weak against fellow electric and grass types, perhaps an ironic reminder that in their drive to understand mass media, they forget to connect with the natural world. Digispark boasts a huge range of abilities and evolutionary paths — it all depends on the sub-types they choose to evolve into, ranging from arts to digital media. But of course, they’ll have to leave Surrey campus and see some greenery in Burnaby first.
Healix
Faculty of health sciences: Like all Psychic-type Pokémon, Healix was initially thought to be overpowered — not only can you get a bachelor’s degree in both arts and science, just look at the huge range of evolutionary opportunities available post-grad! Healix is effective against Dark-type Pokémon like those from the applied sciences. You know what they say, training a health science Pokemon every day keeps the medical students away!
Acadimyrtle
Faculty of education: Acadimyrtle is built on the foundation of striving for a better collective future in an increasingly strained environment. A typical Water-type Pokemon, Acadimyrtle is patient, kind, and most importantly, rarer than any other type. Not only that, their HP is the second strongest in the Pokémon universe, a necessary asset for any evolutionary pathway involving teaching or tutoring. Their main ability is patience, not only in battle, but also as they level up and evolve — the education evolutionary path is not for the weak.
Protecterra
Faculty of environment: Is it a rock? Is it a tree? No, it’s Protecterra, the Pokémon from the Environment faculty. A Fighting-type Pokémon, it uses its black belt powers to fight climate change. While Ground-type Pokémon use abilities like Sand Force to destroy their opponents, SFU’s Protecterra uses their innate knowledge of environmental issues — and their main ability of reconstruction — to help deal with natural and manmade (or I suppose, Pokémon-made) disasters. To be fair, Environment Pokémon might also question the ethics of using Pokémon to fight human trainers’ battles.
Codegrass
Computing science: I know, I know. Computing science is not a faculty. I’m only writing a separate section on the Computer science Pokémon to reveal the fact that they are Grass-type. Why? In a twist of fate, by identifying Codegrass as a Grass-type, I have decided to advocate for the years-long cliché that Comp sci students need to touch some grass. OK, I’m satisfied.
I hope this Pokédex provides a useful summary to SFU’s wide variety of faculties (and computer science). Now that you know them — and because they are limited edition — you gotta catch ‘em all! Don’t have enough Poké Balls? Don’t worry, I heard SFU will soon convert all UmbraCity rentals to Poké Ball vending machines.
Lotería: SFU edition
By: Daniel Salcedo Rubio, Features Editor
SFU’s new pre-convocation event was honestly . . . not bad. There were the usual finger food and photo booth with the typical cardboard cutouts, as well as a couple of SFU-inspired board games, including my childhood favourite, Lotería. The game, a classic in connecting Mexican communities, is super simple. Just like in bingo, someone will call a card — they aren’t allowed to repeat it though, so you have to pay attention — and if you have it on your board, you place a coin to mark it. Once your board is full, you scream “LOTERÍA!” The first person to scream “Lotería” wins. The prize? A life-sized cutout of McFogg — signed by president Joy Johnson, no less.
I collected my board and sat at a nearby empty table. The first thing I noticed was how varied my board was. I had the 145 bus and Burna . . .
“El Tutor!” the person reading the cards called out.
Damn, I wasn’t expecting Joy Johnson herself to be calling the cards. I asked the person next to me about it and they whispered, “I heard she has a vacation home in Mexico where she’s known as the Lotería maestra.” I tried to ask a follow-up question but they shushed me to focus on the maestra. It was time to lock in and place my coin because I had El Tutor! Which sits right considering I was a TA most of my time here. Honestly, teaching is a lot of fun until you have to grade the midterms for a class of 500 students. Never aga . . .
“El Madrugador (the early riser)!”
OK, you’re playing for a life-sized cutout, a signed life-sized cutout of McFogg, get your head in the game, man! I didn’t have that one, but I sure was one taking all those 8:00 a.m. classes in the middle of winter, heading straight to the libr . . .
“La Biblioteca!”
Honestly, creepy. Was Joy reading my mind? Probably. Anyway, I did have it on my board so I placed a loonie on it and waited for the next card to be called.
Several cards later
Well, it seemed Joy and I lost the connection we had. So far, 10 cards I didn’t have had been called, but El Aguacate (or is it an egg?), La Justicia, El Tesista, La Piscina, and eight more I did have had been. All great memories, like when I started swimming back in 2023, and literally a month later SFU closed the pool and hasn’t opened it nor given me any alternatives ever since. Or my first make-out session at 3:00 a.m. in the avo. . . actually, let’s skip that one. 14 out of 16, only two more calls missing. El Título and La Graduación. Interesting that the only two things pending from my board (and it seems like everyone else’s too) were the things still pending to conclude my relationship with SFU.
“El Ladrón!”
Not it. We must be close to fini. . .
“And with that, we conclude the game. Thanks for playing Lotería.”
What!? I was sure those cards hadn’t been called — no one had screamed “Lotería” yet. People all around were loudly confused.
“There must be a mistake! El Título and La Graduación haven’t appeared!”
“And they won’t for another month!” cackled Joy Johnson as she fled with the McFogg cutout.
Well, that was odd, but I should’ve expected it. Besides me not going home with my dream cutout of McFogg, the game really felt representative of my experience here, and the board’s illustrations look great! I was particularly impressed with the illustration of the Palestinian flag waving atop Convocation Mall for SFU to recog . . . wait, what’s that? There’s a small text in the corner.
Lotería board created by The Pawn, not affiliated with Simon Fraser University.
Ah, of course.
National Institute of Health funding cuts impact research across North America
By: Phone Min Thant, Staff Writer and Hannah Fraser, News Editor
In February, the Trump administration undertook a number of “drastic” steps to reduce government spending on healthcare and medical research, according to PBS. On February 7, the National Institutes of Health (NIH) announced the administration’s policy that would cut research funding by “limiting the amount of indirect funding for research projects” to 15%.
This equates to $4 billion in reduced funding. The NIH cut millions of dollars from accounts — and cuts continue — though US federal judges stepped in to block the policy. While the NIH is a US organization, Canadian research and education institutions also largely rely on its funding and grants. In 2024, Canadian institutions received and employed over $40 million from the NIH for various research projects. They also rely on funding opportunities from the Canadian Institute of Health Research for their research interests.
In late February, Trump proceeded to block the submission of study sessions to the Federal Register. These are “meetings in which scientists peer review NIH grant funding proposals,” according to The Guardian. This also froze grants for institutions and research groups already reliant on the NIH. A news report from NPR listed the number as “more than 300,000 researchers at more than 2,500 universities, medical schools, and other institutions.” This decision also went against a federal judge’s orders that restricted the administration from “freezing or ending billions of dollars in government spending.”
“Only a small number of our health researchers currently receive funding from the NIH or have applications under review.” — SFU Office of the Vice-President, Research and Innovation
Trump has been focused on rejecting grants funded by the NIH for studies focusing on Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI), vaccines, and 2SLGBTQIA+ issues. The NIH cited the administration’s memorandum, “Radical Transparency About Wasteful Spending,” which states, “The US government spends too much money on programs, contracts, and grants that do not promote the interests of the American people.” The message called for government agencies to be “radically transparent” about how they have “wasted” citizens’ “hard-earned wages.”
Many researchers have expressed concerns about the harm these recent actions could cause, as they prevent access to research on topics under scrutiny by the Trump administration, hindering further research and diagnoses. The Guardian reported that this “loss of whole websites and datasets sent researchers and journalists scrambling to preserve information” in a “datathon” on January 31.
Fear also exists around the direct public health implications of these cuts. Researchers are concerned about how the loss of this research threatens a “decades-long effort to improve how the nation studies the health of women and queer people, or improve treatments for the medical conditions that affect them,” according to The 19th, a US not-for-profit “reporting on gender, politics, and policy.”
“[We] will see [AIDS] come back, and we see people dying the way we saw them in the ’90s and in 2000s.” — Winnie Byanyima, director, UNAIDS
As Winnie Byanyima, director of UNAIDS, told CNN regarding funding withdrawals for dozens of HIV studies, “[We] will see [AIDS] come back, and we see people dying the way we saw them in the ’90s and in 2000s.” The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) also cut $11.4 billion in funding for COVID-19 research. NBS News reported that “hundreds of people still die every week from COVID-19, and Long COVID symptoms continue to cause debilitating medical problems.”
The Peak requested a statement from SFU’s Office of the Vice-President, Research and Innovation to understand how the university has been managing the NIH funding cuts. According to the office’s media team, “Only a small number of our health researchers currently receive funding from the US NIH or have applications under review.” An exact number was not provided.
“We continue to monitor impacts to our research community in response to shifts in the US policy landscape. We are working with faculties to learn more about researchers’ specific needs, to provide support where possible,” they added.
Still, students across North America seem to be gripped by anxiety about their future academic pursuits. ABC News noted that federal judges continue to challenge and “slam” Trump in court, with USA Today reporting the federal judiciary established a task force on March 26 for “the continued security and independence of the courts.” Two faculty organizations at Columbia University also recently filed a federal lawsuit against Trump’s cancellation of “$400 million in federal grants and contracts.”
“I fucking quit,” announces Mr. Monopoly
By: Sofia Chassomeris, Interdimensional-Space Traveller
Editor’s note: The Pawn obtained this letter via time travel through a portal gun we discovered in our games closet.
Dear valued constituents,
I write to you at the dawn of the year 3000 to make a very important announcement. I have been in the real estate game for over one thousand and 90 years, and let me tell ya, I’ve seen a lot. Flying cars, space delivery services — they even achieved (with lots of dubiously funded research) a semblance of immortality for those most worthy of preservation! However, never before had I seen such a succinct case of suffering from success before witnessing Elon Musk’s Head in a Jar purchase the last independently-owned property on planet Earth. That smirk immediately dropped once he realized he had bankrupted any and all of his potential human buyers.
And so it is with utmost disappointment that I regret to inform you of my resignation. I was brilliant, can you believe it? Mr. Monopoly: the arbiter of the free market, the monocled old hopeful who’s lived long enough to see the death of capitalism and ownership of private property.
I didn’t think it would happen in my lifetime. Do you know how long it takes to finish a full fucking game of Monopoly? I started this company with dreams of inspiring generations of laborious homeowners and landlords, but none of you can buy a goddamn house, can you? Yeah. Game over. That’s what happens once we have a winner — now every property is practically a hotel with maxed rental fees you have to pay just to breathe on.
“And so it is with utmost disappointment that I regret to inform you of my resignation. I was brilliant, can you believe it? Mr. Monopoly: the arbiter of the free market, the monocled old hopeful who’s lived long enough to see the death of capitalism and ownership of private property.”
If I were a good man, I’d tell you how it happened. But I’m a capitalist, and Monopoly’s biggest selling point has always been that mere participation in the game offers freedoms of monumental proportion. Until the winner eats the entire board, and you’re flat-out broke. Now that it’s actually happened, investors say my business model is “unrealistic” and “unsustainable.” Really? Now you have a problem with longevity? It seems nobody has the instruction manual for how to play Monopoly 2: Post-capitalist Hellscape; we’ll just have to make up the rules as we go.
My only request is that you do not blame me, Mr. Monopoly, for such a disastrous turn of events. Though this outcome can be attributed to a lack of foresight, it is technically not my fault! I am not resigning in defeat (this was an anticipated end), only disappointed that the era of free-market prosperity has finished with such an abrupt and destructive finale. The nice part about Monopoly was always that you didn’t have to deal with the catastrophic economic fallout after winning, you just pack-up and put the box back in the closet for a few years. Of course, I intend to uphold this practice of ignorant bliss despite not being able to afford literally anything on the Musk market.
If there is anything to be learned from capitalism’s grand flourishing and epic demise, it is that there will only ever be one true winner. As a longtime advocate for the free market, it is time for me to resign as a natural progression of my absorption into the greatest single corporate monopoly.
Best,
Mr. Monopoly Mann, MA in uncritical applications of economy, former-CEO of Monopoly Corp. and Affiliated Domains
Dismantlers of SFU — The Red Leafs’ Catan
By: Phone Min Thant, Staff Writer
In a stuffy boardroom on SFU’s Burnaby campus, our most esteemed president Joy Johnson listened to interns pitch new ideas about streamlining SFU’s budget. “Make governance easier and more convenient for SFU’s executives by simplifying budget initiatives onto a Catan map,” pitched a nervous intern. That evening, Dismantlers of SFU was born — an ironic opposite of Catan, as well as its exact copy.
But, how does the game work? Well, the same rules of Catan still apply: be the first to get 10 points to win, but, in this case, that constitutes taking 20 million dollars off SFU’s budget deficits. You can do this by building settlements and cities (dismantling departments and laying off employees) and constructing roads (collecting the money saved from all the budget cuts). It’s even simpler, actually — all the resources have been replaced with money while the six terrain tiles have been transformed into SFU equivalents: hills are now student support resources; forests have become faculties; mountains are community offices; pastures act as athletic services; and fields represent miscellaneous budget cuts. The desert — the unproductive, barren desert — is SFU itself (even Joy can’t take it away, yet). The knight card has been transformed into a “laid-off staff” list.
While originally there was no intention of having “the Robber” in SFU’s Catan, the top brass insisted that there be a substitute TSSU piece in its place. The job of the Robber — sorry, the TSSU — is to take away half of everyone’s money cards if the combined number of the rolled die is seven. President Johnson added that having the TSSU piece “adds realism” to the board game.
That evening, Johnson wasted no time trying it out with her team of execs. Die started rolling. Johnson began by placing her first settlement on the intersection between community offices, athletic services, and faculty. Everyone watched with joy as she reached out for three money cards — gone were the Vancity Office of Community Engagement, the football program, and a few lecturers. The next turn was Dilson Rassier, SFU’s provost and the guy in charge of SFU’s budget and academic affairs. A roll of the dice and boom, a settlement and a road squarely close to a faculty tile and miscellaneous budget cuts. “Let’s take away the English Language and Culture program and maybe replace the paper towels with hand dryers,” the provost said before sitting back down and pulling two money cards.
And so the rounds continued, with different executives dismantling different parts of SFU. With a few course rollbacks here, an arbitrarily fired social media team there, each player is making a good stride towards the 20 million goal, with over seven money cards each. Then, as stakes grew high, a desperate Johnson uncharacteristically fumbled. In her attempt to upgrade her settlements into penthouses, Johnson’s dice landed on a combined seven! Oops — the TSSU is demanding negotiations and striking against the hiring freeze!! After much grunting, delays, and veiled annoyance, everyone returns half of their money cards, disgruntled at not having enough funds to upgrade their parking spaces — sorry, roads — and improve their settlements. The rulebook reminded players that it’s not permissible to use money cards to hire external players in negotiations with the TSSU.
Now everyone began again in earnest. After all, they needed to recover the money. Johnson’s layoff list gets larger, adding two more money cards to her collection! The final stretch to the 20 million has begun. Other execs have started trading. Rassier began by bargaining his money card (from the closure of SFU’s Surrey Office of Community Engagement) in hopes of receiving two money cards from the current hiring freeze that other execs all seem to have. Then, by a stroke of luck, Johnson struck gold. After persuading the other players with promises of increased vehicle allowances, her final penthouse upgrade allowed her to extract one last resource from the community engagement tile. With the final money card — freshly extracted from the dismantling of SFU Woodward’s Cultural Programs — our beloved supreme president yelled “20 million” and claimed victory!
After the game, we were able to ask a few questions to some of the players. Johnson is hopeful to incorporate improvements to the game during her second term as SFU’s president, citing a lack of focus on athletic and student services tiles in this prototype version. The SFSS’ representatives hinted that the student society will also be making their own variant, seeing how easy it has been to use the board game to manage logistics. They hint that their version will include “a rave terrain,” but there is no further elaboration. Unfortunately, the interns who pitched the idea in the first place were laid off during the mid-game rush and were unable to provide statements.
Trump bans Go Fish
By: Lucaiah Smith-Miodownik, News Writer
Since taking office in January, US President Donald Trump has passed a slew of executive orders. While some have generated significant buzz, skepticism, and pushback, others have managed to evade the hook of the public’s eye. One such order that Trump quietly signed revolves around none other than the classic, widely enjoyed pastime of Go Fish.
Officially, the presidential proclamation banned the ages-two-plus game from being played on American soil. Details regarding the ruling found on the White House website state the decision was made to destroy the “harmful leftist ideologies pushed by the game.” The site goes on to explain, “Go Fish teaches children lessons historically reminiscent of communism by encouraging labour without guaranteed monetary incentive.”
While sources confirm that Trump is quite the Risk player, it appears that his skills may not transfer to the pond. Recently, The Pawn corresponded with a source close to Trump under the pseudonym KC Lance, who revealed the real reason he banned the game may have to do with the president’s lackluster performances. “The truth is, he lost to Elon’s son too many times,” Lance said. X Æ A-12 Musk, who has recently been thrust into the spotlight due to his time spent at the White House, is rumoured to be ranked number one at the game for billionaire’s sons whose names contain numbers.
“He asks for twos, then eights . . . and then he’ll be right back to twos,” Lance told The Pawn. “And then when you least expect it, he goes for the aces. Like, who does that? It’s incredible, really.”
“Go Fish teaches children lessons historically reminiscent of communism by encouraging labour without guaranteed monetary incentive.” — US White House
While the news has hit hard at family game night tables and senior care facilities, some across the border seem to have a different outlook on the situation. One Canadian, SFU’s president Joy Johnson, offered her take. “As you may know, SFU is firmly committed to remaining neutral in the face of politics and events,” she told The Pawn. “That said, we could not be more excited to welcome our southern neighbours to our very own koi fish pond café. Come enjoy the game you love while getting to watch the real thing right in front of you. The cost is only $53,016, subject to tuition increase.”
Within the Trump administration, neither the president nor Musk could be reached for comment. Lance did inform The Pawn that vice president JD Vance was unable to offer remarks due to his schedule. “He’s actually a really legitimate and busy guy,” he said. “He’s definitely been doing a lot of important vice presidential tasks. I’m sure he would comment, but I swear, he’s just got a lot on his couch. I mean plate.” Lance added that the second in command “certainly hasn’t been banished to a shed behind the White House while Elon gets to have his office, or anything like that.”
The Pawn was able to secure a statement from Secretary of Health and Human Services RFK Jr., who offered his support for Trump’s executive order. “You know, we have some evidence coming out that consuming fish may cause eczema,” he said. “So it just makes sense that we’d ban the game.”
Currently, it is uncertain how exactly the Trump administration plans to enact the ban, or whether the order will stand up against the courts. In the meantime, Americans can always play War.
TRANSCRIPT: Survivor of a first-date Cards Against Humanity game testifies in court
By: Mason Mattu, Court Reporter
In an empty broken-down 143 Burquitlam Station bus at the upper bus loop, SFU FASS student Halley Cringer was having a typical first date with SFU Beedie student Jordan Belfort. Ms. Cringer reluctantly assisted Mr. Belfort with a colouring sheet — his BUS 201 midterm project — when Mr. Belfort asked Ms. Cringer the most exciting question known to humanity: “Do you want to play Cards Against Humanity?” Little did Ms. Cringer know what kind of sadistic turn Belfort’s game would take. The Pawn obtained a transcription of Ms. Cringer’s testimony to the BC Supreme Court during a cross-examination by Mr. Belfort’s defence lawyer, Mr. Fancépants.
Mr. Fancépants: Ms. Cringer — my client, Mr. Belfort, describes your Tinder profile as “the most disturbing thing any down-bad dating app user has ever seen.” Your account allegedly features photos of you posing with wax figures from a Madame Tussauds wax museum, claiming they are your ex-boyfriends . . . I’m not too sure how reliable your testimony will be, especially considering you found Cristiano Ronaldo’s wax figure — with his mouth so heinously open — attractive. Please describe what happened when my client pulled out a deck of Cards Against Humanity.
Ms. Cringer: OK (takes a puff of her e-cigarette). First of all, I’ve seen you on Tinder and swiped left. Just saying (takes another puff of her e-cigarette). Basically, Jordan pulled out the deck and smirked at me. I had no idea what was going on. He begged me to colour his colouring sheet for a midterm — a picture of the West Mall Centre of all places. He was so fucking pathetic that I gave in, I kind of felt bad for him. And I still thought he was kind of hot at that point.
Mr. Fancépants: Erm. Are you a fan of Cards Against Humanity?
Ms. Cringer: Yes, I am, jackwad. However, when I took the deck from his hands, I rolled my eyes. The box didn’t say Cards Against Humanity, it said Cards for Humanity.
Mr. Fancépants: Now, Ms. Cringer. I have no clue what you are trying to accuse my client of —
Ms. Cringer: Shut up you condescending, toxic, SUIT! (the gallery lets out a collective gasp as Ms. Cringer chuckles). I took the damn deck of cards from his hands and opened the box. I was even more shocked when I saw a disgruntled deck of regular playing cards inside with all the writing crossed out with Sharpie. That’s when I realized these were not any regular cards — they were homemade. What kind of cheap ass bozo is this?
Mr. Fancépants: OK, and?
Ms. Cringer: Every single black card had the same prompt on it — “Being a business student is better than _____.” So, uh, that was kind of awkward — Anyways, every single time I put a white card down on the musty bus chair, he’d tell me that it wasn’t funny enough. Like I even used that one card that said “Big Bird’s brown, crusty asshole.” I tried again and again with different cards, mind you all plagiarized from the original game, and he kept mocking me. Every few minutes, he’d go to the washroom in Blusson Hall to hit a maple-syrup flavoured joint and perform another devious lick challenge for his LinkedIn hustler network. After a few rounds, I couldn’t take it anymore.
Mr. Belfort approaches the judge with a black prompt card that reads, “Being a business student is better than _____.” The judge winked at Mr. Belfort and drew another black card from the box with the exact same prompt.
Mr. Belfort: You went to Beedie too, your honour?
Judge: You know it, broski. Gotta stay on that grind, you know?
Ms. Cringer: What the ACTUAL FUCK is going on? I’m never dating a Beedie bro again. Y’all are toxic as fuck. Court adjourned, y’all, I win.
