By: Yasmin Hassan, Board Game Psychology Reporter
A new study from the Institute of Board Game Psychology (IBGP) has identified the only personality classification that truly matters: whether or not a person is willing to touch the Cranium clay. Cranium allows players to show off their drawing and spelling skills, factual knowledge, and performing abilities. “For years, we thought the greatest human divide was nature versus nurture or introverts versus extroverts,” said Dr. Datahead, lead researcher. “But no, it turns out, all of humanity can be split into three categories: those who recognize the Cranium clay as a biohazard, those who fear its presence, and those who willingly interact with it.” The findings, published in The Journal of Recreational Neuroscience, have caused an uproar among psychologists, board game manufacturers, and people who just found out they’ve been unknowingly touching “mystery hair” for years.
In a controlled laboratory environment (which was really just a windowless basement stocked with decades-old board games), scientists recruited 500 participants and handed them a sealed tub of Cranium clay. Hidden cameras captured their reactions as they cracked open the lid and encountered the non-Newtonian substance in its natural state: either rock-hard, suspiciously damp, or possessing the elasticity of chewed gum.
The study’s findings categorized participants into three distinct reactions. The “fearful abstainers” were individuals who immediately recoiled, whispering things like, “Oh no, absolutely not” and “that looks like something you’d find in an abandoned nuclear fallout chamber.” Some wrapped their hands in napkins, others attempted to sculpt using utensils or telekinesis, and at least one person left the study altogether. The “poke-and-hopers” were participants who hesitantly prodded the clay, as if fearing it would lunge at them. Many attempted a single, weak sculpt before sighing and saying, “I don’t know, it’s a snake, I guess.” One subject requested gloves, and another asked for holy water. One subject pleaded to trade their task for charades. Lastly, the “master manipulators” exhibited no hesitation. They plunged their hands into the clay, even when it crumbled into dry dust or stretched in a way that defied physics. Some aggressively kneaded it, one individual tried to taste it (“For science,” he insisted), and a shocking number of participants described the clay as “having a nice mouthfeel.”
IBGP researchers claim the data reveals profound truths about human psychology. Avoiders are meticulous planners, tend to overpack for vacations, and Google restaurant health inspection scores. Poke-and-hopers struggle with commitment, often torn between anxiety and the desire to prove themselves. Statistically, they have the highest rate of failed sourdough starter attempts. The master manipulators have zero hesitation in life. They are the kind of people who would eat a grape at the grocery store without paying and claim it was “just a sample” or invest in cryptocurrency based on a “gut feeling.”
“Forget the Myers-Briggs,” co-researcher Dr. Wordworm declared. “The Cranium Clay Test is the only measure of human nature that matters.” However, critics argue that the study lacks scientific rigour. Dr. Simon Freud, a psychologist who has not forgiven Cranium for making him hum the Star Wars theme in front of his in-laws, remains skeptical. “If this is the future of personality testing, I fear for our society,” he said. “Frankly, the real mystery is why the clay never, ever has a normal texture.”
Despite the controversy, IBGP researchers have already announced their next study: examining whether people who insist on being the banker in Monopoly exhibit “early dictator tendencies.”
