By: Lucaiah Smith-Miodownik, News Writer
Aries
March 21–April 19
Stop and smell the flowers, err . . . pet the raccoons. But seriously, just relax. You’re getting too far ahead of yourself these days. You should take a step back and remember what’s truly important: crawling in sewer drains and checking out garbage cans.
Taurus
April 20–May 20
You know that Beatles song “Rocky Raccoon?” Consider it a warning. Whatever you do, stay away from anyone named Dan. He’ll only do bad things for your romantic relationships. If you do encounter Dan, do not challenge him to a duel at the local saloon to win back your love. You’re probably not listening to this advice, are you? Oh well . . . at least you’ll have Gideon’s Bible.
Gemini
May 21–June 20
Coffee, energy drinks, cold showers; you’ve tried everything to stay awake. Give up. Stop trying. Become nocturnal. Think about it: does anything that important even happen during the day? Nighttime is where it’s at. Let’s be honest; you were probably already half asleep during your 8:00 a.m. class anyway.
Cancer
June 21–July 22
You’ve been down on your luck lately, and could probably use some good karma. Maybe try leaving a muffin from Tims on the bench next time you have to head to class (ideally blueberry). If that doesn’t work, you can always drop a pizza off at the entrance to your local sewer.
Leo
July 23–August 22
Express yourself! Don’t be afraid to step out in that bold, new style you’ve been wanting to try. The world is your runway, so go strut. Black eyeshadow, a fur coat, and a striped tail are all the rage right now. Trust me, everyone cool is doing it. If you really want to elevate your look, add some whiskers.
Virgo
August 23–September 22
Furry, nimble, likes to scurry around on all fours . . . I just described your crush, didn’t I? Be on the lookout for love this week, as that special someone you’ve been longing for just might finally show interest. Start thinking of romantic date ideas. Maybe the dumpster behind A&W at sunset? Just a suggestion.
Libra
September 23–October 22
The stars say that you’ll befriend a talking blue jay this week. As a logical next step, you two should probably get jobs as park groundskeepers. Don’t plan on actually doing any work, though. You’re better off messing around and avoiding responsibility as much as possible. Just be on the lookout for any anthropomorphic gumball machines. It’s probably best to steer clear of them this week.
Scorpio
October 23–November 21
Get ready to pull some all-nighters this week. While everyone else is sleeping, you’ll be working. You know how Lil Wayne said, “Real Gs move in silence like lasagna?” He was talking about raccoons. Take a page out of our book and hit that twilight grind mode. Pretty soon, you’ll have night vision.
Sagittarius
November 22–December 21
Get ready for an adventure. If you’ve ever had superhero dreams, now is your time. This week might find you travelling through space, chasing villainous thieves in pursuit of a powerful orb. But don’t worry, you won’t be alone. You’ll have a crew behind you, including a treelike alien with a limited vocabulary.
Capricorn
December 22–January 19
Be vigilant this week. Animal control is on the lookout, and you could be next if you’re not careful. The stars suggest laying low for a while, and keeping your wits about you. Try not to take it too personally, though. Some people just hate to see a trash bandit thriving.
Aquarius
January 20–February 18
So what if you have rabies? Don’t let your ailments define you. Focus on the good, whatever that may be. Don’t be afraid to treat yourself to a little pick-me-up this week. How about raiding the garbage of the fanciest restaurant in town? Go ahead. You deserve it.
Pisces
February 19–March 20
Don’t be afraid to take a risk this week. Happen to stumble upon a bear in hibernation with a stockpile of food? Go ahead, take his stash. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? Actually . . . don’t answer that. Maybe you shouldn’t listen to this horoscope. Although, the stars say you’ll probably disregard that advice and go for it anyways. Oh well, just befriend a motley crew of forest creatures and I’m sure you’ll be fine.
