By: C Icart, Humour Editor
Aries
March 21–April 19
“Mr. Brightside” by The Killers
Listen, who are you trying to kid? You’re gonna show up to the bar insisting you’ll sing a different song, but you won’t. You’re a creature of habit, and the rest of us are just grateful that the song you repeatedly subject us to is at least a good one.
Taurus
April 20–May 20
“Making Love to the Vancouver Canucks” by Ivan Hrvatska
You can spend a glorious two minutes and 16 seconds living in an alternate universe where the Canucks are still in the running to win the Stanley Cup. I mean, where else are you going to wear that $200 jersey you only bought because you wanted to be a part of something?
Gemini
May 21–June 20
“Umbrella” by Rihanna
In so-called Vancouver, April showers only bring May showers. You’re walking into the bar with your hair dripping even though you spent an hour curling it before. Use your platform to remind everyone they cannot afford to forget their umbrella, ella, ella at home.
Cancer
June 21–July 22
“Tequila” by The Champs
Minimal lyrics and maximal time to show off all the extra dance moves your body only seems to remember when you have . . . wait for it . . . Tequila!
Leo
July 23–August 22
“Veggie Dance” by Gracie’s Corner
You spent half your rent buying vegetables at your local farmers market? They’ll probably go bad before you go through all of them? Time to throw it back while singing “I love my veggies!”
Virgo
August 23–September 22
Not “Not Like Us” by Kendrick Lamar
The stars do not care that you think you can rap after a couple Whiteclaws. You cannot. Get away from the mic and make sure you remind your non-Black friends that they still can’t say it.
Libra
September 23–October 22
“Papaoutai” by Stromae
You just got back from Paris so you’re basically French now right? Go prove it! Don’t forget to obnoxiously explain that the lyrics are not happy despite the upbeat music. Even though the huge hit is over a decade old, I’m sure no one at the bar knows this fun fact. Make sure to repeat it a lot to make extra friends who will be in awe of how cultured you are!
Scorpio
October 23–November 21
“MHMM” by Glorb ft. Sandy Thee Squirrel
A random Sunday at your local dive bar is the perfect time to embody Sandy from SpongeBob. Bonus points if you wear a diving suit while rapping about how “the baddest bitches live in bubbles.”
Sagittarius
November 22–December 21
“Imagine” by John Lennon
In an era where people are very much still contracting and spreading COVID-19, it’s time to bust out your healing voice and sing “Imagine.” The world wasn’t ready in 2020, but today people love doing things that are ineffective to counter the spread of COVID-19.
Capricorn
December 22–January 19
“Don’t Stop Believin’” by the Glee Cast
Gather all your friends and sing like it’s the mid-2010s. Reminisce about a time where you were too young to understand that Will Schuster’s behaviour was inappropriate and you thought acappella was this cool new thing!
Aquarius
January 20–February 18
“Good Luck, Babe!” by Chappell Roan
Compulsory heterosexuality and knowing when a song is above your vocal abilities are soooo out this summer. Gather all your sapphic friends and you can all get destroyed by those high notes together.
Pisces
February 19–March 20
“Kingsgate Mall Tribute” by Ian Boothby and Vicky Van
This parody to the tune of Adele’s “Skyfall” is sure to be a crowd pleaser. Who doesn’t want to sing about the skunks at this beloved Mount Pleasant shopping destination?
