By: C Icart, Humour Editor
Y’allllll. I don’t wanna hear it, I don’t wanna hear it! I know I’m posting this storytime late, but is it my channel or yours? That’s what I thought. Anyway, I’m not a full-time YouTuber anymore, that’s why I’ve been away. I’m an investigative journalist now, bitches. Yeah, that’s right, I didn’t join the Kate Middleton search party the day of the Glasgow Willy Wonka fiasco like the rest of you. I’ve been looking for little miss Catherine since January! I haven’t found her, but I’ve been looking.
So, this video isn’t sponsored because in the last video I forgot to name the product in the video and it turns out companies don’t like it when you don’t name their product in ad reads so now no one wants to work with me. Which is fine because I’m still rich and their product was trash anyways.
In light of Eve Cornwell’s return to content creation — everyone say, “Welcome back Eve!” — it made sense for me to use Wagatha Christie techniques to expand my investigative journalism practice. And I hear you being all annoying in the comments like “how is this related to the spider in your bathroom?” To that, I say, “Is this my storytime or yours?” That’s what I thought.
Remember when I said I put little miss Charlotte’s Web on blast on my Insta story for monopolizing my bathroom even though she doesn’t even pay rent? And somehow that worked and she left? Well, that got me thinking. How did Madame Eight-eyes know that I had posted about her? Well if you remember the Wagatha Christie case (yes, that’s a combination of the wives and girlfriends acronym and Agatha Christie, please keep up), Cooleen Rooney found out that Rebekah Vardy was the one leaking information from her private Instagram story to the press by posting fake Instagram stories and only making them visible to Vardy. When those stories were leaked, Rooney knew there could only be one culprit.
So, I know there’s no spider account following me. And even though my skin is full of the most youthful looking filler and Botox, I do remember a time beforeh Instagram’s Flipside feature. Back then we used . . . FINSTAS! Hence the iconic title of this storytime series. There is no other explanation. And how can we be surprised? Isn’t it speciesist to assume that non-human animals are technologically illiterate? (Please PETA sponsor me. I wanna keep buying expensive shit.) I haven’t figured out how to tell which account is the spider’s finsta but that’s okay. I never said I was a good investigative journalist. So anyways, I gotta go buy a cute detective outfit and keep serving my community by looking at things through a magnifying glass and saying things like “interesting,” “aha!”, and “it’s giving evidence.”
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