By: Cam Darting, SFU Student
Hi, bestie! I’m your resident fashionista, and I am here to guide all you lost sheep on what to wear this season to look so incredibly expensive. You may think this is classist, but all I have to say to you haters is: “Stop Being Poor.”
Let me set the scene. Two college students walk into an Aritzia; one is wearing a tote bag, while the other is lugging a backpack. Who do you think got approached the most by the sales associates? The answer is obvious: the one wearing the tote bag. Why? Because tote bags give put-together clean girl, while backpacks give 15-year-old in high school.
Newsflash, people: if you’re not wearing a tote bag in 2023, you deserve to go to jail for your crimes against fashion. Not only are backpacks ugly, but they completely ruin your cute outfit. If I see a man in a suit with a backpack, he’s very much giving lives in his parent’s basement and has no partner (yes, I’ve arbitrarily decided that’s bad). Now, if that same man replaces that backpack with a TOTE BAG??!?!??! He’s giving clean, articulated, rich. And he has a yacht in Dubai. You know what? Make that TWO yachts in Dubai. Same guy, same suit, but the TOTE elevated his status.
Some may say “backpacks are more convenient.” Are they? Are they REALLY? Let’s dissect this, because I’m tired of hearing how troublesome tote bags are. They fit all the essentials like a laptop, charger, and wallet. If your bag has more than these items, you need to start leaving some stuff at home. You do not need to be carrying your whole bedroom with you. Moving on, tote bags are convenient because you just slip your hand right in, and BOOM, you have what you need. Easy access. Speaking of easy access, that’s what you’ll have on public transit because you’ll be able to slip through the crowds without having your backpack weigh you down by having to take it off.
Imagine you walk into class with a backpack on and see your crush. You’re nervous, excited, and geeked to see him. As you sit in front of him and take off your backpack, all you hear is laughs. Confused, you turn around to see your crush and his friends laughing at you. Then you realize you have a huge sweat stain on the back of your gray Aritzia Sunday Best Dream T-Shirt. Embarrassment, shame, and humiliation fill every ounce of your body. All this could have been avoided if you just used a tote bag. With tote bags, you don’t get back sweat. The only sweat that’ll even come near you is everyone sweating as you walk past them because you look so amazingly delicious.
The moral of the story is that tote bags are Kris Jenner and backpacks are Yolanda Hadid. Tote bags are Chanel, while backpacks are Coach. Hot people wear totes, period. If you don’t want to be hot, then be my guest, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
